Thankful

I get all excited thinking about getting my Christmas decorations out. Then I'm sitting here at almost 10 at night looking at every room a mess & wonder why I got the decorations out. Fall decor covers the kitchen island. Plastic bins laying about. Mantel all bare. Christmas tree is done. Not a put together room anywhere. Ugh. BG sat in her high chair eating a cookie while we decorated the tree. My standards for baby food have far slipped since Madeline was a baby. BG polished off the last of my watered down coke as we rode the last 30 minutes to Gram & Gramps for Thanksgiving. She shrieked if Camille even put her hand on the cup. She got to enjoy cheetos on the final descent back home. She was a total orange mess. Kept her quiet. Do what you gotta do. We took two vehicles to Arkansas since the snowboard bums along with Madeline the ski bunny felt the need to drive to Taos. Singlehanded, drove 5 kids to Arkansas. Todd then took off on Thanksgiving day with Lucas & Madeline in tow. What should have been a twelve hour drive turned into a 15 hour day. They got a flat in Angel Fire. So close to Taos but yet so far. Luckily it was still light out. Unluckily the jack broke. God was watching over them as good Samaritans stopped. The Mrs. stayed with the Stan clan while the Mr. went and got what Todd described as a NASCAR size jack. Got them safely on the road. I'm so thankful for the new friends. I imagine we will see them again. Got the supreme pleasure of going to the Nutcracker today to watch my friend Helen's son perform the part of Fritz. It was a great production. Todd made it back in time to keep BG. Love it when he's been gone because he comes home being so happy to help. Hence the Christmas decorations getting out.  Church got us off to a great worship and with the reminder of keeping us grounded in Jesus during this time of tinsel and excitement. We are starting advent with our eyes on the cross. Thankful for the time with my family, blessed by good Samaritans, and excited about the advent season. 

Shoe Shopping

I knew it was a mistake.  I'm not a first year mom.  Taking 5 kids into the shoe store is not a good idea.  But desperate times call for desperate matters.  Madeline needed shoes for Regional Choir concert for Saturday.  Hopefully, I'll remember to pick up her dress today.  The hem had to be let out 2 1/2 inches from last year.  By the way she was ranked 11 out of 180.  Not so shabby.  So, into the shoe store we go.  Camille is wearing sparkling, silver stilletos.  Lucas is racing BG around in the shopping cart, trying to bump into the runway model Camille and the easy victim N.  Madeline is oblivious to everything except finding shoes.  I spot the boots from the ad flyer that I had caught my eye and grab them. I think I tried one on.  Mad gets her shoes and we are out of there.  N won't hold my hand and gives me the evil eye.  Camille races ahead with glee since she doesn't have to hold my hand and she loves rubbing that factor in.  Mad scoops up BG from the cart and we make it to the van.  All in all, no permanent damage to the store or the kids.  We did it!

My Sweet Boy

It's a strange and sad time for me, mixed with blessing to get a glimpse into the world that Lucas lives in.  Having been diagnosed with dyslexia in first grade, it wasn't until the last few weeks that I am just now grasping how this affects his world.  Through a blessing, I was sitting in the cps office and picked up an outdated free issue of North Texas Child.  An article described a new lens called the Chromagen lens for people with dyslexia.  Thus began our new journey.  From the article we found a doctor near us that has given us huge insight and help in getting special glasses for Lucas.  From the article a discussion began between Lucas & I that tells me how things wiggle, move, jump in and out.  He's since described how doing Fast Math for school on the computer is so challenging for him as the math facts flash onto the screen and how they move around for him.  Tonight as we are watching tv, he says that sometimes the scene moves.  My sweet boy.  My smart boy.  To be able to talk about this and to possibly have a fix for this with his new glasses tomorrow.  I am so hopeful and so is he.  Sitting in the cps office, the beginning of a new hope for Lucas.  I am so thankful.

The StanClan is good

I can't believe that almost a month has passed since I wrote.  What a month.  Every day I would think I need to write, to share how God continues to work in our lives on a daily, hourly, every second.  Computer problems, sleep problems, etc., and now I at least have a new computer.  Love the click of the keyboard under my fingers.  Not the same with the iPhone.  BG circles at my feet and is distracted momentarily by a toy.  N scours the ToysRus newspaper ad.  He fits in well around here.  Enjoyed having little ones for Halloween although BG did not cooperate for her kitty costume at all.  Spiderman did great wearing his but he was very choosy about which homes he would go up to.  Made the circle around the block and that was enough.  He came home, ate a couple of pieces of candy and said he was ready for jammies.  Madeline & Brianna took Camille and a friend around the neighborhood. Todd took Lucas and a friend.  All in all a divide and conquer method that seems to work best for us.
We went to foster care training on Saturday.  Irving Bible Church has an awesome foster/adoption ministry called Tapestry and they do a conference every year.  Excellent workshops and a great way for us to get in some hours towards our 30 hours of training a year.  One of the things that stood out to both Todd & I was that one of the speakers mentioned how foster/adoption can often alienate families from friends and extended family.  This is so not the case with us.  God has drawn close friends even closer and brought a friend, Helen, even closer.  I think part of it is that I am more willing to ask for help than when its just the 3 hatched kids.  Ultimately, I praise God for the huge support system we have.  I couldn't have made it thru these last 2 months or even the past year without everyone's help. 
Some days I am exceptionally tired.  I think about how easy it is with just 3 kids, especially 3 who are so self sufficient.  I get frustrated when N is sick and here I am taking care of someone else's sick kid.  Then God sends me sweet reminders.  Camille sitting at the table making a get well card for N.  Laying in bed with Mad after she returns from homegroup to tell me that she asked for prayers that we would be good role models for N.  This weekend when all of a sudden BG has bonded with Buddy.  Warms my heart.  Thank goodness for these reminders.  And that's how we do it.  Friends, family, prayers, some tough times mixed with sweet blessings.The stanclan is good.

A long week

We made it. Made it through a week of 7 doctors appointments, 2 kids with ear infections, 1 with sinus infection, and lastly, but best of all, the cast is off. A lil scary when they get out a rotating blade but N did great. The nurse did ask if we had a dog cause of some dog hair in the cast but no sores & she said I did a great job of keeping him clean. He is very wobbly. Getting stronger with costing. Anxious about hurting his leg. We celebrated with a promised pants party, and some special friends spoiled him with loving presents. While opening them, he sweetly asked why he was getting them. He is such a good boy. Suppose to start school on Tuesday but we will see what happens and how fast he progresses. Today, I'm just nervous about going to church. He is so tiny. No extra stuffing on him to fall back on. This week will be operation "get extra calories" in N. I'm sure I can spare a few.  BG is back to sleeping through the night after a yucky ear infection and nasty diapers. She loves wearing her new shoes and will attempt to take a couple of steps. I'm in no hurry for her to walk! Her appetite is gradually coming back but still does not like any veggies that I have found.  The hatched kids are doing great. Even though Camille has her first sinus infection of the season, we are trying some alternative health approach & seeing if she can get over it without antibiotics. Also found she has s pretty big sensitivity to gluten. Ugh. Not excited about eliminating that.  A long week. A week of going to bed at 8:30. But we weathered the small storm. Now, I think I'll go wash my hair before church. 

Thank u God

The dentist went ok today. N said he wasn't going but we talked him into what a fun experience it would be. Luckily he thought so. Movie while he waited to go back. Tasty fluoride. New toy car.  New toothbrush.  Playroom when he was done. Bad news is he has 10 teeth that will be worked on next time. He takes the prize for the worst teeth. Makes me so sad. BG had her teeth looked at too. Made her spitting mad. She did get a rubber ducky out of it.  Left the office, physically tired. It's a lot of work to get the stroller out then load them both. Knew I needed to stop at the dance store to get my ballerina, Madeline, her tights. I was working thru my best approach. Do I bother with the stroller or just carry them in one at a time. I then decided to lift up a prayer. I asked God to have someone at the store who could stay with kids in suburban while I took 25 seconds to get the tights. Praise God. Pulled up to the store and my friend Lesley C was talking on her phone in the SUV next to mine. With tears running down my cheeks I asked her my favor. She wasn't even going into that store.  She's the room mom in Lucas's class & was getting a cupcake for his teacher's birthday today.  A great reminder that no prayer request is too little. A great blessing for me in that I know God is watching over me. 

The Little Things

It's the little things that remind me of the joys of fostering. Lucas hearing us pull into the driveway and coming out to bring the baby into the house. I'm leaving for homegroup tonight & BG is crawling after me while crying. I yell upstairs to Madeline & she rushes downstairs to pick BG up and all is better. N complains about his leg itching from his cast and Camille sticks her little fingers in there to scratch it. Buddy & N sitting at the kitchen table with their newspapers and ice cream when I get up from my nap. The ladies in the nursery all gathering to welcome BG back again. Knowing that they will be praying over her.  A busy week ahead. Dentist tomorrow. I can see bad spots on N's teeth. BG gets one too. I questioned about bringing in a one year old with 4 teeth but they said it's more about educating the parents. I went & got her a toothbrush and toothpaste last night. I wanted to be sure & tell them we were brushing her teeth. Well, at least Camille did it for her last night. Madeline this afternoon. We are already so educated around here! Court on Tuesday. Prayers for the judge and all people making decisions for these sweet children and their families. Parent visits on Wednesday. Doctor visit Wednesday afternoon for N. Throw in dance, piano, lacrosse, and homework and we have a busy week. Can't forget the 1st birthday coming up on Saturday. God is good. 

Friday

Ok, I thought I was suffering from memory loss or sleep deprivation but it turns out that it's none of them. I couldn't log onto my blog last night so I figured it was the memory problems that I couldn't remember my password. Not the case. My husband used my account to post on you tube & he used my account & changed the password. Great. Good news is that I'm not losing my mind. Bad news is that it's entirely possible at times. 11:30 and I've already been in with the kiddos 4 times. At this rate I will have no mind left in the morning. But, I am optimistic. I'm sure that all will be fine after this.  Sleeping thru the night sure would be a treat!

Jammies with feet

There's something about a baby in footed jammies that melts my heart. She is so adorable in her new jammies. Now, if she could stay asleep in them all night long. Found out that she has never slept thru the night before. Unfortunately I'm not ready for the challenge of breaking the 3 am bottle at this point.  N continues to do great. Even have him using the pottie to go number 2. The power of a dum dum sucker. Only strange factor is figuring out how physiologically he can earn 3 suckers in one day. Amazing.  The great father of the household is suppose to return in the wee hours this morning. Kids are sure missing him. Madeline said tonight that she sure missed him then she added that I probably missed him more. Probably so. She & Todd seem to either great along great or she's frustrated beyond belief at him. We will all be glad he's home. 8 days is way too long to be gone. 

Motrin Cocktails

Up with BG 4 times last night and 3 times with N. Yes, a total of 7 times in one night. Took BG to the doctor since she was so crabby and she's getting her 1 year molars. 1 year molars? I don't remember any of this stuff. Too bad all my friends are so old and don't have a little one like me in the house so that I can compare notes with them :). Best part of the day was the awesome doctors office. Children's Medical has a clinic right in front of grapevine mills mall. Opened in December. Super clean. Super nice. Super quick. I was in & out of there in 45 minutes. For those that have followed my journey, you will know that this has been one of my biggest struggles with foster care. Trying to find a place to take the kids. I am so thankful for the new clinic.  Gave both kids a bedtime cocktail of motrin and hoping for a good nights sleep for all.  Madeline starting taking ballet tonight after 2 years off. Now we have 2 ballerinas in the family. Yeah! 

God's love

BG was up at 5. Tossed her a bottle and she went back to sleep for an hour. I can be reasonably responsive after 6 am. Got her and held her for 30 minutes before she got the wiggles. Holding a sweet baby is a great way to start the day. N was thrilled to learn that today was Sunday and that he got to go to church again. Again, the easy transformation into our lives is amazing. Still a few nightmares but much better than when he first arrived.  We are enjoying Gram's company. I told her that it wasn't me that she is helping so much as the big kids. Many of the things they would be helping with are what Gram's helping with. We had a fun weekend of shopping. Love getting baby girl clothes. Although, BG is not a fan of trying them on at home. Hard to buy for N since he can't stand up. I can't even get a good feel for proper fitting tshirts. We'll just have to wait for the casts to come off. The only negative about BG is that she refuses to wear hair bows. Such a shame.  Todd is stuck in Taos. For those that know him this probably doesn't seem like the truth. How does one get stuck in one's favorite place? Well, he said he ran over a rock and has a hole in the oil pan. Probably won't get the part in until Tuesday. How convenient. In the meantime, we are doing good. Miss our Buddy, glad that Gram is here, and loving every minute of having the kids here. Except for the poopy diaper of a 4 year old. That still grosses me out. Seems rather trivial amongst this new story to complain about a lil poo. It may be a difficult week with more supervised parent visits. That's my pray of the week. Hope and healing for this family. Grace for me to show God's love to all that I meet. 

I love being a mom

I love being a mom. I love being a foster mom. It is amazing to look into the rooms of my home and see beautiful gifts from God peacefully sleeping in their beds. BG is tugging at my heart. It is so fun getting to have a 1 year old in the house. She has checked out every cabinet she can reach. Dumped out all the newspapers and swam in them. Pulled the toys out of the armoire and climbed in. Screams at me if I take the paper she has tightly scrunched up in her hand, preparing to snack on it. Smacks her lips shut tight when she doesn't like what in feeding her. It's been so long since we've been entertained so much. After all, my baby is now 7. N continues to get stronger. He can out weight on his feet and loves the independence of moving from room to room. He can frustrate easily but gets over it quickly. He is so smart.  He loves asking questions. He is a sweet blessing that needs so much love.  Shopping tomorrow. Temperatures have dropped & new kiddos have no jackets, socks, shoes, etc. A morning of shopping with 5 kids and  a Gram. We shall conquer!

What a team I have

My whole body is tired. Lifting N & BG is a lot. It helps when big kids are around but they can't lift N. I have a new found appreciation for parents of children with disabilities and for handicap parking. I am so thankful for Callie's help. The nurse at school. Becky sewing shorts. Lesley's stroller with the jump seat that N can sit in  The grocery store offers. A new babysitter referral. I'll take all the help I can get. Hoping my body hold up.  They are such sweet children and they continue to bring out the best in my hatched kids. What a team I have. 

Prayers for sweet dreams

He is such a sweet boy that it brings tears to my eyes. He has been sitting at the kitchen table for 2 hours. Now he has discovered his own treasure hunt. He has taken everything out of the crayon container and smiled with glee at every item in there that wasn't a crayon. Especially the penny he gets to keep. His attention span is amazing. Baby girl is napping. Camille is outside. Big kids are doing a Starbucks run with Todd. I have the door open, partly to rid the house of poopy diaper smell, but now it's just to hear the peaceful waterfall. Then there is the sound of an airplane and a reminder of what today is. 10th anniversary of Sept 11. Heartfelt sorrow for all the loss and devastation.  Our home is sure happy. Singing "Jesus loves me", toddler tunes, and our made up tunes. Candy land, connect 4. All the favorites. There are moments of frustration, especially if Nate doesn't get a response as quick as he thinks. Moments of tiredness when I get up about 4 times a night at a minimum. Changed 4 dirty & wet diapers and that was just before church. But no fighting to or from church. Only silly giggles over Camille & Madeline teaching Baby Girl(BG) to stick out her tongue.  Thankful for today. Asking for prayers for sweet dreams for Nate. Such a sweet boy, let's pray him thru a great nights sleep. 

Day 2

Day 2 of having 5 kids. Thank goodness for my support team. Shelley's son came over & played with Nate for 2 hours. That was huge! Becky watched baby while Todd & I took Nate to the doctor. Camille & Lucas went home with buddies after school. And we did it. Made it thru the day. Tired from the day & from lack of sleep last night. Nate cried out about every 30 minutes. I can only imagine the nightmares he's having. He asks regularly if Todd is going to be mad. Do not want to even think about why a 4 year old would have to worry about making someone mad  His leg check went well and if all goes as planned he will get the casts off in 4 weeks. He gets frustrated easily but can refocus just as quickly. Baby girl wins us all over. It is a blessing to have them both. Now if the magic diaper changing fairy would only appear, I would have no complaints. Any idea what it's like cramming a diaper into a crotch opening between two casts & trying not to pinch skin or touch his "willy". I am getting faster. I'll be a champion in 4 weeks. Prayers for safe and secure feelings for lil Nate and baby girl. A great nights sleep would be wonderful too. 

We are so lucky

We are in business.  Call came about 12:30.  A little suspicious because its my case manager and she tells me she has me on speaker phone so that the other case manager can talk too.  A 4 year old boy and a 11 month old girl.  The tricky part is that the sweet boy has both legs in casts and now I know its called a spica cast.  The family he was with for a week are just overwhelmed.  They have a 4 and 6 year old and bedrooms on the second floor.  The little boy can't move by himself at all.  Its just for 6 weeks and then the cast will come off.  He is sweet and smiley.  I tell him he is cute and he says that he is handsome.  He has Camille chasing hot wheel cars & bringing them back to him.  When it comes to bedtime stories, guess who he picks to read to him, Camille.  He is brilliant.  Definitely the person to have in his corner.  The baby is precious. Huge dark eyes and so tiny.  She is crawling and pulling up, turns one in October.  Camille is already planning the party.  Miss Becky was first on her invite list. Baby girl has a few summer clothes.  Superboy has a few t-shirts since he can't wear shorts.  All are sleeping and I figure that I had better to.  I think that if everyone sleeps thru the night that we can do anything.  Sleep is a wonderful thing.  So glad to have these angels under our watch.  Lucas feeding a bottle, Madeline rocking to sleep.  We are so lucky.

A blessed weekend

We did it.  Totally mastered the weekend with 6 kids.  Even made it to church with everyone's hair & teeth brushed.  Of course, we have been told we looked like a circus act with all the kids coming out of the suburban.  Love the kids, loved the weekend.  The days were long but not exhausting.  I think they were more long because we are use to running around like crazy and not staying home all day.  Probably good for us to stay home and eat all my home cooked meals.  Got to enjoy an evening with remarkable friends.  Get teary even considering the fact that 3 or maybe 4 couples are considering signing up to do respite care for foster kids.  It sure is a great selling point to have 3 precious kids floating from lap to lap during the evening.  The most important factor we as friends have is the bond we share of knowing Jesus.  I am so blessed with remarkable friends.  Even if they don't do respite, their prayers are worth so much.  I truly believe thats what got us through this weekend.  I felt guilty even telling the foster mom how well they did.  I sure am requesting continued prayers for these 3.  The touched my heart in a significant way during the 3 days I got to be with them.  My hope is in God that whatever His plan the kids find the right home.  For now we'll settle back in and see what is next.  Tomorrow I will be doing all of Camille's weekend chores.  Her reward for being such a great helper was being excused from her weekly room cleaning, clothes putting away, etc..  She is delighted with such a reward.  She filled out her star student of the week and had to write what she wanted to be when she grows up.  "kase mardger" was what she put.  I wonder how many people will understand her heart and know how she loves doing foster care and that right now she wants to grow up and be a "case manager for foster kids".  Love it.  Love expanding her heart and showing her a different way to help others.  Of course, we'll expect her to complete her doctorate before she does anything!

We are good at this

We are a good foster care family. Having the 3 foster kids in the house feels so right as I see the positive attributes in my own family. Woke up this morning to Camille having got sippy cups & gogurts for ages 3 & 4. Lucas entertained them with the dog yesterday. Madeline watched them while I did my workout. Buddy entertained them all when he brought in his balance board to exercise while he watched them eat breakfast. It takes all of us. It makes my heart sing with joy to see everyone loving these precious children. I am also reminded of how quickly you can love a child especially these that have had a really tough road. Going into the respite weekend it began as a ministry to the children. It moved to a ministry to the foster mom after listening to her for a couple of hours this week. I could hear her frustrations, her lack of sleep & knew I needed to help her. I also felt quite a bit if anxiety about having them here after listening to her. I must say that respite care is working for all of them. The children are absolutely precious and we have seen zero problems. Talked with foster mommy and she is sleeping well & eating. It is such a blessing to share our home this weekend. I can't wait to see what's next.

Not Today

My house is looking so good. Curtains hung, new door knob installed, washed the dogs bed, and Cleaned my Closet!!! Not sure how much more of this I can do. Thought my nesting had come to an end at 5:30. Got a call asking if I could do one or two, one year olds. I said I could do one. They are separate cases so it wasn't splitting up a sibling group. I said we would love to and it didn't matter boy or girl. Called back shortly before 6 and asked about other kids in my home and if I stayed at home. Went to Camilles orientation, knowing I could be home in a flash if needed. Phone rings at 6:15 and we are not getting the baby. Ugh. Girls and I are so disappointed. CPS doesn't know what a great deal they lost. The baby would have had 3 awesome mommies in this house. Probably what happened is there was a family with fewer kids that they thought would be better. Fortunately we know better. Hearts are sad but we know that God has a plan. We're just having to be patient to see the plan take shape. Prayers tonight for the families & the one year olds. Continued prayers for the kids that will come our way.

Still No Call

Still no calls, well none for official business. My CK case manager did call & ask if we would do respite care for another foster family over Labor Day weekend. Listened to the story of the family and couldn't say no. I said the only reason we couldn't would be if we have our own kiddos placed in our home by then. So unless something changes we will have. 2,3, and 4 year old visit for 3 nights. Anythings possible for 3 nights! We are hoping that Todd's parents are coming that weekend. Not sure if I should tell them about our possible visitors.I'm sure we will be able to use the extra hands! Maybe Sandy won't read this :)

First day of school

The start of another school year. 8th, 5th, and 2nd. Seems impossible. All were eager to get back. Camille was a little grouchy but got everyone to school on time. Added to our morning Bible study. Another good thing about getting back into our school routine. I love getting our day off with family breakfast & Bible study. This year I bought everyone a journal. They are to use them to write the bible verse for the day, any prayer concerns, then I'm wanting everyone to concentrate on doing acts of kindness in their everyday lives. Love it that we are also studying the book if Acts. God's timing is amazing. Won't be long and we will have made it thru the entire bible.

Relief & Regret

I sit on the sofa with a sigh of relief or perhaps a sigh of regret. The last 2 days have been continued fun with the kids. Even managed to get the 2 younger kids rooms deep cleaned today. Socks sorted, outfits ready & matched up for school. Madeline did her own or rather kept her door closed and locked to make me think she was working. Anyway, all seemed to be in order, then came the call. Only it was for 3 kids. I swore to myself I wouldn't do 6 kids again. All girls, ages 2,4, & 5. Ugh. We've been waiting so anxiously for this call. I said I needed to talk to Todd. He doesn't say no. That's usually my sign. Called back to get more information. Where was I on the list? First one they called, last one? Turns out I was the list. I shouldn't have even been on there since I'd told them to bury the fact that I could take 3 kids. They are smarter than that. Then I'm told the younger 2 are boys not girls. She wants to know if that changes things. I want to say heck yeah it does. There goes my princess parties. Camille & I had just tucked away about a million dress up dresses today. Guess lil boys will dress up too. After gathering more information, I said yes. Heart was racing thinking of what I needed to do to get ready. Excited. Nervous. Got the next call that the 2 year old has a digestive disease. And though it pains me to even say it, I have to say no. I would be at my limits with 6 kids but trying to care for special health needs wouldn't be fair to any of the children, particularly to me. And so I sit with a sigh of relief and a sigh of regret. Last thing she says is "I'll talk to you soon.". I sure hope so.

How can we serve

I thought that this week would drag on forever. I mean how many more movies or activities can we possible fit in. Turns out that we are concentrating on community service. Yesterday Lucas, Camille & I braved Walmart for grocery shopping. Monday morning is a pretty good time. A young mom with the smartest baby was in line behind us. Everything that I said to the mom made the baby laugh. Baby is 4 months old & so precious. We continued to talk. I asked if it was too personal if I loaded her groceries onto the check out. She was holding baby in the good ole snuggle. Turns out it wasn't too personal. Lucas then loaded the bagged groceries & took them to her car & unloaded. We exchanges numbers & hopefully will get together. Did I mention they attend our church? Love new friends, love seeing my sweet Lucas help others without rolling his eyes. He has the sweetest serving spirit.

Coaxed Madeline out of bed today & she went & helped Camille's former kindergarten teacher. I figured anyone that has a 3 month old, 2 year old, and 5 year old can use a lil extra help. I stayed and helped for a bit, too. Once a teacher, always a teacher. Gotta love bulletin boards the best.

We received a call yesterday but it was for a 11 year old girl with a significant sheet with facts about her and her family. I guess a case manager we have worked with before requested us. CK person who called then wondered if the CPS case manager was my friend or foe. Interesting thought. First and foremost are my kiddos. CK said they are seeing a lot of severe cases like that right now in addition to large sibling groups. Still praying and waiting for the kids we will get to welcome into our home. Enjoying the final week with the hatched kids. Wondering how we can keep up with our serving tomorrow!

Prayers for all who are suffering

Prayers going out for a dear friend who is beginning her courageous battle against breast cancer. A possible 10 hour surgery tomorrow. Thankfully she is armed with the love of Christ.

We continue to wait for our foster care call. We went on the list on Thursday and this is the longest we have waited. Camille asked if we could just call in to get a kid. Not quite that easy. I figured that maybe the foster care business is slow, which would be a good thing. Maybe our world is getting it's act together. Then I open the newspaper and find that isn't so. I turn on the news and the shallow faces of Somalian children appear. Suffering of the children is the absolute worst.

We are blessed with a refrigerator that is always full of food, a house with A/C, and hearts that are trying to do God's will. So many blessings, I can't wait to share them with our next foster care kids.

For a few hours, he says

A huge week of blessings. Thursday we got to go see the baby. He is now 3 1/2 months old. He has grown so much but still so tiny. We took turns passing him around. Adoption hadn't gone through yet but it looks more and more likely that birth mom's rights will be terminated. I know we will probably never have such a blessing as a newborn with such a sweet spirit.

Friday I got a call from J's foster/hope to be adoptive mom. He is doing great. Still talks about us but has transitioned so nicely into their home. No surprises there.

Friday night I got a call from A's mom & today we got to go meet them at McDonalds and saw Z and KK, too. Camille was beside herself with excitement. We made a mad dash to Kohls this morning for back to school outfits for all 3. I snuggled with each of them in my lap as much as I could when they weren't running & playing with Camille & Lucas. A has grown at least a couple inches. She is doing so great. So confident. Grown up so much. She wants to come visit at our house. KK & Z looked tired. He had a really bad runny nose. I wanted to just hold him the whole time. He acted like he didn't feel good. His mischievous sparkle was missing. When it was time to go KK started crying cause she didn't want to leave. Z started crying because I think he was confused as to whom he was leaving with. I said no tears equals no presents. Tears were dried and we went and got presents for them to take home and open. Hugs and kisses and we went our separate ways. My fam & I in the suburban that gets washed after church every week. Camille tucked into her booster seat. They got into their truck. No boosters, no car seats, just one bench seat for all 5 of them. On one hand I feel so spoiled by all that we have. On the other hand I am so frustrated that those precious children weren't riding safely. A's moms car is broken down, her tooth is swollen with infection, but A will have the shoes she wants when she starts school. So good to see all of them. What a blessing they have each been to me. I told Todd maybe we should just have all of the kids come to us. He smiles and says that would be great for a few hours.

My kids, the slackers

Not sure how my great intentions don't always work. I thought my big motivation speech about following thru with allowance by being able to automatically transfer the money from my account to theirs would be a huge incentive. I never have cash so the allowance thing has never really worked out. Well, sent them off to begin their chores with simply their rooms. I got the entire downstairs cleaned, laundry going, old magazines sorted, lunch fixed, and what did they do? Not much. Slackers. After a different tone with my speech at lunch, this one not being recorded, rooms & all chores are now complete. Laundry all finished, just needs to be put away tomorrow. A sense of accomplishment.

Hung my favorite pics of the kids over the years in my bedroom. Love seeing the sweet children they once were. Had one extra frame that I need to get a current picture of them in. I went ahead & hung it to see my spacing. Todd asks if that's my foster husband and son in the picture. Nice.

Case manager called today. When I saw her name pop up my heart did a little skip & I considered not answering, but I did. She was just checking in. I told her to let us get thru ortho & physicals & then we'll be ready. Or as ready as we can be.

Soon we will open our doors

Yes, its been over a month. Can't believe how the time has flown. We've been gone for 3 weeks and then had a week of recovery. I think that looking back over the whole summer there has only been 2 weeks when we were home and didn't have company. I do love summer. Camille got to go to Gram & Gramps. Lucas went to Grandma & Grandpa's. Madeline went to church camp. Not that we thought that Madeline needed more church than everyone else. It all worked out. Todd & I went a calling on customers from Austin to Houston and back thru Ft. Worth. I decided that it was too much work eating with every customer that we saw. Camille had tons of fun with the fam & especially cousin Emma. Lucas & Grandpa(who are practically the same age) enjoyed their time. Todd & I headed that way, made the "grandparent" rounds with a hop to Silver Dollar City in between. Love the rolling Ozarks. Don't miss it so much when we are home in Texas but when we are there it is so beautiful. Left Gram's house for a trip to Taos Ski Valley in New Mexico to see how we like it during the summer time. I have never considered myself an outdoors person but I guess when one is use to 100 degree temperatures and you go to a place where the low is 48 and the high is 80,being an outdoors person isn't so bad. River rafting(with a guide from Aurora, MO), horseback riding, and hiking. Favorite was the river rafting. I need to order the pictures from it. A beautiful break from the heat along with a beautiful serene place to be. Yes, we do like Taos in the summer. Trip ended abruptly when both Mad & Lucas got sick one night. Didn't know if it was a bug or a bug accentuated by the altitude after a huge hike that day(one in which Camille & I declined to go on). There's always an advantage for me to having a younger child around. During all this time, it truly felt like a refreshing break of vacation. Now that we are back home, got our things unpacked, hung some pictures on the bedroom walls, did a little painting, scrubbed on the pool, I think its almost time to go back on the foster care list. Kids have physicals & ortho appointments next week. Everyone should be good on back to school clothes and shoes. Yes, we are rested and ready to do God's will. It can most easily be illustrated when the girls & I are saying our nightly prayers. I ask God to please be with the kids that will be coming to live with us soon and Camille does the old fist pump into the air as a sign of celebration. Soon, we will open our doors.

He's gone and we are okay

He's gone and we are ok. Kind of like Camille starting kindergarten, hard to be sad when she was so happy to go. J was excited about going. Seeing the CPS case manager was exciting for him because she is so nice and has been a constant for him during this very rough last year. He just wanted to go with her. I know he will be happy at his new home. I also know that he had no clue what was going on when he left our house this morning with all his things. If I ponder on it too long I could get very sad at the thought that he might think he is leaving our house just like he left his mommy's. We sure loved having him here. A void in our home but an even bigger one in our hearts. I wish I could plant the knowledge in him forever that no matter where he goes I will always love him and be praying for him. Praise God for J!

We love him

Another chapter is about to be closed in the Stanfields foster care journey. Of course it can't end without a few twists and turns. I contacted CK case manager yesterday and she had yet to receive any notification from CPS regarding J leaving on Friday so her supervisor said there was no way transfer would happen on Friday. Ok, fine with us, but also a bit frustrating since I know the next family is anxious to have him and they need to be bonding with him. We already are bonded. This morning I talked to the next mommy and she says that she thinks the placement will take place. Im hoping that at least we can do a pre placement visit for the weekend and they can sort out the paperwork next week. This afternoon I finally get thru to CPS and then the case manager calls. Yes, placement will be tomorrow. She will be here at 9! And so there you have it.

We made a dash to the lake since the cousins are here. During dinner at Big Daddy's I announce that we are so excited that Miss Tamara wants J to come live with her and he gets to go tomorrow. We all give three big hip hip hoorays for him. And that's how the announcement goes. I'm sure he has no clue. He did enjoy our hip hip hurrays. We sure do love him. He is unable to be described in the sweet manner that he has touched everyone's life that he has encountered. I am so thankful for his next family. I know they will love him, maybe as much as we do.

I love summer

Yes, if you see my youngest child she does has raspberry hair. Hey, it's summer, it's not permanent, and most importantly it looks darn cute. And yes again, Gram, I'm one of "those" mothers. Of course it started cause Madeline wanted pink tips to her hair. We got a couple different products. Can't even buy permanent stuff at Sally's. Mads washed out in 1 time. Camilles lasted a little longer. She then decided she wanted her whole head done. Her hair is now shoulder length and just long enough to look stringy & slightly rabid. I told her that if we cut her hair that I thought we'd have enough color for her whole hair. Fine, she says. So I chopped it off to below her chin in front & way shorter in back. She looks amazing, even in pink. She hates it. She says she looks like someone with cancer whose hair is just growing in. Where she gets this, I don't know. To me she looks like an elegant ballerina. Mad says she looks like a runway model. She gives us both the go to h*** look. Gotta love her.

Lucas is going to basketball camp. Tonight he is talking about the drills so Todd goes to get the basketball. Turns out that I think Todd has sized up all the coaches & thinks he could win in the dribbling & passing exercises. My family room becomes a court and both my boys are practicing.

Madeline prefers to sleep all day but since she has a mean mom I get her up and have a list waiting for her. She is the slowest worker I have ever known. She is also being so sweet with J. She has grown up in the time we have had him and in the responsibility she shows with him. I can highly recommend her as a babysitter.

Peace

All snuggled into bed. Even Todd's reading light isn't keeping my eyes from falling shut. Then I hear it. The heart wrenching cry that happens every Tuesday after the visit as he falls into his deep sleeping pattern. I rush into his room and know that it's not the thunder that has caused the crying out. I don't know exactly what causes it other than the weekly visit. I shudder to think what in the world has this sweet boy been through that he has nightmares after seeing his birth mother. I pray over him and stroke his little arm. I listen to the thunder and see the flashes of lightning and now am comforted by God's amazing power. He has not nor will ever abandon this child.

J is asleep but I'm not. I am fluctuating between anger and peace. Anger that J has to go the visits when it is always upsetting to him afterwards. Peace in the fact that God reigns in my home. I don't know how we could do this without Him.

God is Amazing

I can't quite settle into sleep so I decide to begin the book that I picked up at the library. Going to the library is one of my kids favorite things in the world. It guarantees at least an hour of quiet immediately following. I grabbed "cure for the common life" by Max Lucado. I'm not even going to read any more to night. I wanted to see how recently he wrote it so I flip it open to find 2005 as the copyright. On the very next page reads "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out --plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for" Jeremiah 29:10-11. And just like that my heart is once again reassured with the almighty wink from God. He is amazing. Now I can sleep.

Camille's Ruling

All is quiet except for the thunder and lightning overhead. Much the same as the house. We are smooth sailing, our family with J. He has slipped into the easy pattern of our lives no matter where we are. The beach, Sea World, riding down the road. Dinner time, nap time, church and getting thrown by Buddy in the pool. He touches our hearts and every one he meets. The storm is on the horizon as he is suppose to leave on Friday. This is the difficult part. How to explain to a 3 year old what's going on. The other kids were much easier scenarios. Going back to family, going to a cousin, going to live with brothers. I can't even tell him that this will be his forever family. That's the intent but until mom's rights are terminated that's not for sure. Thankfully the family he is going to live with seems wonderful. They came over on Friday then took J out for dinner. Camille, who we refer to as Simon during American idol judging, said that she really likes the mom and that she is fun. With Camille's stamp of approval that means a lot. We took J for another visit to their home on Sunday. He was pouty & head down but immediately went into the mom's arms. My heart was heavy and the tears were falling when we were on the road again. He had a great day. It will be ok. God is good and will bless this sweet boys life.

We will have a huge void in our family. Camille will feel it the most. She has been amazing with him. She wonders when we will get the "next kids". I'll be a little slow again before moving on. Heart needs to heal before we love some more.

Summer

Lazy days of vacation. J is a trooper & does great with everything. Driving to dinner when I announce that we should get Mavs tattoos if they win tonight. About an hour later, Camille announces that she'll get hers on her ankle. She wants to know if it will hurt. Everyone agrees that it will be very painful. She then says she thought we were going to get the sticker kind. Great idea, we all agree. Go Mavs!

Port Aransas may not be the poshest spot I've ever been to but we sure enjoy coming here. The laid back attitude, locally owned restaurants, and of course the sand & boogie board riding waves. Actually saw 12 stingrays yesterday. Didn't know that they traveled in a herd. There were 5 traveling together. J loves the sand as much as the other kiddos. After a few days he is becoming more confident.

Beach is almost deserted. I could stay all summer!

I don't like May & now it drags into June

The end of the school year drags on and on. I can't imagine how bad it is for the poor teachers. I've decided I don't like May. Craziest month of the year with way too many extra activities to do. Tomorrow is taken up with room parties. Ugh. Please remind me not to be a room mom again. And I wasn't even a 100% room mom, Tracy saved me several times with parties and presents. Thank goodness for my support team.

Went to supervised visit. Much easier now that I know how to get in. J was a lot less nervous especially when he saw his case manager. He really likes her. Not quite as comfortable for him at the visit. Last week I would have said he was his aunt's boy. This week leaned more towards mommy. When I left the room to talk to the case manager I heard his sweet voice,"where's my Nina!". I popped my head back in and he came into the hallway to be with me. We both went back in together. The bond between us is getting stronger. Its a good thing then a not so good thing. I think he will be leaving in a few weeks. I feel a little bit like I did with Z. I don't want to be just another woman who has let him down. I keep remembering having to pull Z's arms from my neck when I took him to stay at his aunt's. I hope this transition is ok. We are going to work in some more play dates with possible forever home. J is so likeable, so loveable, he has touched the hearts of many. I know he will do fine. Thank you God for the sweet spirit you have blessed J with. It is such an incredible honor for my family to be a part of J's journey.

A Sandbox

Another day of crazy emotions. J did great at dentist. 2 root canals, 3 filings and sealants. I think he was most sad about not getting breakfast! Makes me so angry that his little teeth had to go so long without proper care.

I was folding pool towels today when a baby boy onesie fell to the floor. Not sure how it got there but it sure hit me hard and realize that it's been a week since baby left. I texted his to-be adoptive mom & he is doing great. 10.2 lbs. That's 3 pounds in 5 weeks. She even sent me a picture. Wow. How he has changed in such a short time. Hopefully down the road when he is good and bonded with them we can see him. At least I have a new pic!

Todd & Lucas went to watch the Mavs game on the big screen at AA center. Not as good as a live game but a heck of a lot cheaper.

Still so encouraging everytime I see Camille taking care of J. I am so thankful for my family and how supportive everyone is in our mission to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Warmed my heart to hear Todd talking about having a sandbox if we are going to have little ones around. Yes, we are. Can't wait for my sandbox.

Home to Buddy

As he cries out in his sleep, I am thinking that today's visit may have been harder on him than he showed. We showed up right on time to the CPS office but it took about 10 minutes to figure out how to get into the fort. By this time J was crawling up my leg and obviously worried about being there. I picked him up and held him. I had told him we were going to see the case manger who he dearly likes. I said that we might get to see mommy. I have learned to never plan on seeing biological family cause you never know what is up with them.

God is good. Prayers worked. The visit went fine. Mommy and the aunt & uncle were there. I actually liked them. Especially the aunt who so obviously loves J. She had to leave the room 2 times cause she was teary. I may not always be the best parent but I'm a darn good judge of them. What I witnessed from the aunt & uncle during our hour was good parenting. Mommy did ok, too. Not any red flags were waved. J enjoyed playing and giggling with them and he saw all of us interacting. I wanted him to know we are united. He was doing his wrinkling up his nose to giving goodbye hugs so I said I would give hugs. I gave a hug to mommy & uncle but he rushed in to give one to his aunt before I could. And that said so much to me about his love for her and hers for him. So hard to understand how their worlds have come to this and it wasn't the time for me to ask questions. We left using the same elevator and all had smiles. He asked where we were going and I said home to Buddy and all was fine.

Prayers for J & me too

Prayers for J as we go see his biological mother. I don't understand why she has the right to see him just know that I feel strongly that she shouldn't. Maybe she won't show. Prayers for me too as I will be staying for the visit.

A great weekend. Not a bad glimpse of what the summer will be like. A reminder that Madeline needs social entertainment to keep her in a cheery state of mind and also a great motivator to get chores done. She's actually turned into a pretty good clothes folder.

Church was lonely yesterday without a baby to hold. Sure do miss him. I think I slept better when he was here. I would get up to feed him then be so tired that I would fall right back to sleep. Now when I have insomnia I just lay there. At least I was being a productive non sleeper.

4 day school week ahead. Lots going on this week and next as school wraps up. I'm definitely ready for lazy days of summer.

I knew I would miss him

It's the little things that make me miss him most. Loading the dishwasher & remembering that I can put the silverware in all the slots. I no longer am losing bottle parts where I need to close the basket on the silverware. Finding a stray bib in the van. Walking thru the bedroom and not stepping by his bed. I must say that his tiny little self has tugged at me more than any other. Perhaps it's his size, and him being even more vulnerable. Most likely it's how dependent he was on me and how I loved being with him. It's also highly likely he reminded me so much of Lucas as a baby.

Now that baby is gone I have focused on helping J. Talked to his case manager to find out what's going on with J. Unfortunately this also gave her the opportunity to tell me that he will have a supervised visit on Tuesday. Not what I was planning. I wouldn't have called her if I had known that was going to happen. Thankfully she is agreeable to having me attend the visit so that J will know I'm there for him. Not sure what he will think about seeing her. The best part of the phone call was getting permission to contact j's potential adoptive family. I got their phone number and got to talk to the mom. We are going to get together for a playdate next week. Their family is foster to adopt. They have a 6 year old boy who sounds like excellent older brother material for J. The wonderful thing about Covenant Kids is meeting families who are serving Christ in their journeys of foster or adoption. I can't wait to meet this family and to witness the works of Christ in little J's life. He is such an angel.

Spent 2 hours trying to get the pool problems solved. I've got the sunburn to prove it. I can't even complain because Todd will remind me that I was the one who wanted the pool. Just like I was the one who wanted the dog. I'd gladly trade in the dog, but the pool we do enjoy. Wonderful watching Madeline working with J on his swimming. Loved seeing Camille rush inside when she knew J was upset that he was having trouble getting his swimsuit on. They are being so patient and loving. I love seeing these attributes so often. Two more days left of the weekend!

Baby goes Bye Bye

What's a girl suppose to do when she has no baby to rock, sing to, feed, change diaper. I took him to adoptive parents this morning. They were so thrilled to have him home at last. Their home is sparkling clean, not a piece of clutter in sight. Baby was fussing a lil and it was hard for me not to snatch him right up and make it all better. Adoptive mom, grandma, and I all had tears as I took him and snuggled him close for a goodbye. I told his 3 brothers that they were happy tears because I am so happy the baby has such a wonderful home. Best thing is that I believe it. I told them I wanted picture updates of all of them. The 8 year old said I would even get a Christmas card. As I drove home my phone beeped with my 1st pic of the baby & 2 of his big brothers. Made my heart sing. Its amazing how my heart keeps expanding with love for these angels that enter my life.

A bit tough at home. My bedroom seems so big without the pack-n-play. The family room, too, without the bassinet, car seat and bouncy. We were sure blessed with wonderful friends to let us borrow or give us the baby things. I sent the baby home with an entire summer wardrobe,boxes of diapers, and anything else in my house that was baby. The newborn clothes that he'd outgrown I did keep. You never know, I might need them again. Madeline was mad that I sent the Dreft. She wants me to wash her clothes in it so she can smell like baby.

I asked Todd if it would weird him out if I slept with one of the baby blankets. He just grinned. I think he's waiting for my meltdown. Not going to happen. I loved having baby here but I am sure of the plan God had for us in baby's life. The chocolate eclair on the way home also helped a touch. I'll b curious to see how my sleep goes tonight. It's been 4 weeks. I am exhausted. But it's a good thing. I love being a mom.

Precious Baby

I shouldn't write when I have just sent the precious baby for his supervised birth parent visit because it becomes more of a vent than an expression of God's glory. I do not believe that a birth mother whose baby is taken from her should have any visitation rights. Perhaps if she has completed some positive steps but not until then. I refused to out him in one of his new sunsuits. I left him in his sleeper that covers up his sweet toes and will keep smelly germs from getting on him. Oops, that's what I was talking about. Shouldn't be writing. It is what it is. He will probably leave tomorrow. If I hadn't of kept pushing for it with CK and cps I doubt it would be tomorrow. Things move so slow with placements. I know they aren't worried about him since they know we are taking such good care of him but I worry about the bonding. I'm the only mommy figure he's known. I told my CK case manager that he was going to be talking soon and would say he didn't want to leave Nina's house. She said she wouldn't want to leave my house either. Perfect answer. We've taken lots of pics,I've prayed over this baby like no infant I ever have had that's including my own. We have showered him with kisses, songs, walks, and chatter. I know we have done everything God has wanted us to do. I am thankful for his potential adoptive parents. I know they will send us pictures and updates. I will never forget these 4 weeks when we were blessed with such an angel baby.

Please Pray for Joplin

My heart is aching for the city of Joplin. I feel shame in the fact that I didn't respond to the devastation in Alabama like this. When it's so close to my home town, and a place where I grew up visiting it tugs at my heart. Friends and family of my sister-in-law have lost so much. Two of my MO BFF use to work at the hospital. My other MO BFF or should I say, ya-ya, has a younger brother whose a doc at the hospital. His family lost so much. So senseless. So hard to understand. So thankful that they are all okay because I know of families who aren't ok, one that lost husband and 2 children. Please pray for all of them.

Sweet baby is still with us. No word from CPS. Taking Lucas to the doc today and out of the blue he says, I like having a baby. So do we.

Camille continues to shine as the big Sis of J. Honestly I think she takes care of him more than me. After school it was teaching puzzles, watercolor painting, building a fort, running in sprinkler, getting him ice cream, into his jammies, and she helps him brush his teeth. All of this without one promting. She is amazing.

No idea what tomorrow will bring but know that Joplin will need our prayers and support for a long time.

A Quiet Moment

All is quiet on Sunday afternoon. Girls at movie. Madeline using her babysitting money to pay for her & Camille. J is napping. T& Lucas are out getting the Xbox 360 that he has been saving for. Baby is asleep in my arms. Nothing better than quiet time with a sweet baby in my arms. I will miss him.

Talked to A's mommy today & she sent me a pic of her. Sounds like they are doing good. Looks like she is growing up so fast. I was asked to mark my calendar in August for KK's birthday. Seems like so long ago when the 3 of them were here. Such a crazy time that was. Even with having a newborn and missing a lot of sleep, things seem much easier.

Baked some cut and bake cookies but I'm just too comfy to get up and get them. Catching up on my dvr shoes. Little baby breathing in my ear.

If anyone thinks my family is the funny farm you should see us when we take the show on the road. Grapevine Mills Mall. Mad yelling at me when I open the curtain to the dressing room. Camille practicing her runway cat walk. J saying he has to pee. Todd & Lucas seem to be still trapped down at the Nike store. J pushing the stroller, me pulling it with one hand while the other holds the bottle in baby's mouth. J crying cause I get on to him for picking gum off the floor from some stranger or maybe someone's shoe, and he's CHEWING it!! As if that wasn't enough, Camille then gets on to him for putting his fingers in his mouth. A task in which she is constantly told not to do. Easier for her not to be wiggling her loose teeth now since I think she has maybe 3 in the front that are visible. Toothless wonder. 5 pairs of shoes and who knows what else, but we survive the road show. What will we do when it is calm around here again.

Meana

Friday. 3 weeks since baby came to us. He has grown so much. Moved out of newborn diapers, outgrown some clothes, cheeks have filled out, and having much longer awake times. Amazing the transformation in such a short time. It is an absolute treasure to enjoy the blessing of a baby. The home of the potential adoptive parents has been licensed so as soon as it can be coordinated he will leave. Probably Monday or Tuesday. Yesterday Todd observed that baby is turning his head towards my voice. Another reminder for me that he needs to leave so he can bond with adoptive mom. Never once have I thought of myself as his mommy. It's always, "Nina loves you.". I'm his Nina. Will always and forever love him.

J is such a delightful 3 year old. He has enjoyed having Gram & Gramps here this week. He picked Gram to go back with him when he had his dentist appointment. That didn't last too long. When I heard tears "Meana" as my adoring husband likes to refer to me as went back & traded places with Gram. Poor guy. Has at least an hour's worth of work to be done. Truthfully I'm not sure he knew how to brush his teeth when he moved in. He's a quick learner. Camille has him spitting like a champion. Made it thru that appt & will go in a couple of weeks to have the work done.

Fun to have Gram & Gramps here, even if they did have their RV parked outside the house. We have at least 5 spare beds but since I'm , Meana, and won't let their dogs come in, there's the RV. Hard to relate to since my dog is way low on the totem pole. Right now she's a whisper away from finding a new home. Todd managed to fix the fence so she's not pestering the neighbors with her daily escapes. Just one more element for the Stanfield Funny Farm(love u Becky)!

She loves him

Last night was a long one. Baby was up from. 1-2:30. 3:30 then 6. Ugh. Not enough time for sleep in between any of those spells. I found myself thinking, he needs to go home. And he does but not necessarily to benefit my sleep but so that he can bond with his family and be with his brothers. He has changed so much in 2 weeks. He's gone from 2 oz to 4 oz with his bottle. No wonder those cheeks are getting so round. I looked at him in the bassinet to day and he stretches out to fill a huge area. I try to think back to when the hatched kids were babies. I wonder if I felt like turning them over to someone else during the night feedings. Prob so. No word on when he'll go home it's a little like holding our breath to wait and see. Madeline wants to stay home from school in case he has to go home soon. She loves him so much. Me, too.

CES

Can't believe that Camille Elizabeth turned 7 today. I told the fam we could talk about her birthday all we wanted but let's not emphasis the being 7 part. Pancakes for breakfast, played the Wii with Lucas. When Madeline finally got up, present time. It just so happened that I spent at least an hour at Sam Moon yesterday. It was the baby's supervised visit day. Todd didn't want me going to the cps office in ft worth so I said I'd meet them halfway. Well, sam moon happened to be halfway & a place she knew. What I'm sure she didn't know was that I stayed there & shopped the whole time. Couldn't help it, have to keep Todd happy knowing that I'm all safe & sound. And Sam Moon even has a security guard on duty. That's one if those stores to just visit every once in a while. It was weird shopping by myself. Kept thinking I needed to do a head count or I heard a baby cry & got an odd sense. It was a glimpse of what it will be like when the baby is gone. Being able to sleep through the night might make the missing him part not be so bad but I doubt it. Sleep or sweet baby. Gotta love him.

In our house we started the tradition of hiding presents. While this is a lot of fun now, it merely started out because I didn't have anything to wrap a present with or didn't feel like wrapping. So we hide the presents. Camille had 15 new hair bows & 1 new hat to find. Love that quality Sam Moon time. She did say, where's the toy. Ahh, my little pet shop stuff still rules so she wasn't let down. Best part was her uncoaxed thanks and her sweet smiles. She sure is growing up.

Got a sticker book in the mail from grandparents so she immediately wanted to write a thank you. She asked if I had any special paper. My eyes lit up with an ah-ha moment. I pulled out my monogrammed notecards. She smiles with her big snaggle tooth grin. She asks if I named her the way we did so we could have the same initials. I said, no, it just happened all special. She was very pleased about that. Me, too.

Seeing the Blessings of Foster thru Another Families Eyes

Once again I am reminded of how well behaved the baby & J are as we went to Weatherford today to Uncle Brad's house where Gram's cousins & extended family had gathered. J was perfectly well behaved & made fast friends. The baby slept most of the time. It had been awhile since we'd seen most of that family. Jan said that she remembered Madeline as being the curly headed baby. Now she's the "use the straightener" almost 13 year old.
Rushed back from Weatherford to make the end of the season lacrosse get together. It has been a fun season of watching Lucas become more skilled in the sport, and Coach Todd to learn the game. I wish we had met as families at the beginning of the season so that we could have become more familiar during the season.
The baby always attracts attention wherever we go. I could see a family of 3 sitting away from our group, smiling and looking at him. When I got close, they asked how old he was. Thru the conversation I explained that I was his foster mom. The mom's eyes lit up as she then explained that her 6 year old was adopted. She said that she came to live with them, I think around 37 days old. She new it to the exact second. I said we are so fortunate to love this baby while his family gets ready for him, I'm sure her foster mom felt the same. The six year old, with some coaxing, knew foster mom and birth mom's name. It was another God moment in seeing what a blessing the positive affects of foster care can be. I have a feeling I might just see or hear from them again.
Last night was a little rough. One of those sleepwalking or sleepworking modes when I'm feeding the baby, lay him down, fall back to sleep, then am startled awake trying to remember if I fed him or not when all is quiet. A lot to keep up with but still I wouldn't trade it. God is so good.

You know you are in love when a baby blows a big old stinky formula burp on your neck and you think nothing of it. Adoptive mom called & they had their home study yesterday. So that means it will need to be written up, signed off of by CK, then submitted to cps. I'm thinking early next week. We'll spend the whole weekend fighting over holding the baby.

I talked with CPS about how long it takes for them to sign off on the papers. I think she was weirded out that I'm in the loop with adoptive parents. She asked me to call and let her know what's going on. I wish being "in the know" was full of more information.

J continues to adapt with such ease. He is so happy, loving(except he does wipe off my kisses), and smart. He listens to all my phone conversations and will make comments afterwards. I am constantly amazed at how resilient children are.

Camilles 7th bday on Saturday. Finally got birthday invites emailed today. Can't believe that my baby is so old. I can't tell if J is more mesmerized by her or Buddy.

Buddy suggested that we start a wall of photos of our foster kids. Lesley came by & got some pics of the baby. Can't wait to see them and then to forever have that pic as a memory of this sweet time.

Her

Sometimes if I don't write about something it's a good thing because I might not be so cynical. I can chalk up yesterday's family conference to another learning experience in foster care. Birth parents, possible adoptive parents, about 5 CPS people and myself. I must say that I did feel like the guest of honor since I had the baby. I was very protective of him. Todd was protective of us, too. He didn't want me driving there by myself since the cps office in Ft Worth is not exactly bubble land. Brian ending up being my chauffeur/ body guard. A little awkward when I first got there. I immediately went to the opposite end of the table than birth parents. It lasted 2 hours. The thing I was most impressed with was the way in which cps handled themselves. They were not "high and mighty" but humble and showed grace. The meeting was very well run and organized. The purpose was to get a plan for the baby. I wish I could go into more detail but because of confidentiality I can't. I'll just say that at one point it did feel a little like the Jerry Springer show but all in all more like I first described. One other interesting point was when the birth mom was asked who she had for a backup plan if the adoptive parents that were there didn't work out. She looks around the room and eyes land on me. "Her", she says. Todd says she must be smart if she chose me out of the lineup. Didn't tell the kids this bit of the tale. They would all go into high hopes of keeping him. Even Lucas said yesterday, can't we keep him? I don't think they are picturing this baby getting older. For right now he's the sweetest thing any of us can imagine and we are enjoying every minute of this blessing.

Parent Contest-jk

There's not a tiny ounce of me that has any desire to personally conceive & have a baby. But. . . there is a bit of me that would like to whip out the parental resume tomorrow to compare with the birth parents and adoptive parents at the family planning meeting for the baby. Hands down we'd win, I mean, we are awesome parents :). Even more evident when I see Todd carrying this baby into church. Decided to drag him out into germ world but Todd brought him in late & left early with him. I know that anyone watching us would never have thought this baby wasn't ours. As we gaze on him with such adoration, look towards him with each sweet sound he makes, or any different facial expression he has. We love him. It doesn't take long to fall in love with each of these children that enters our life. J has certainly won over Buddy. We went out for lunch & the kids & I went over to Barnes & Noble while Todd paid. J wouldn't leave with us but wanted to stay with his Buddy. He is such an affectionate child. He is also the child that has probably suffered more than any child we have had in our home. Kids are so resilient. I just don't understand why they need to be.
Anxious about tomorrow and the supposedly 3 hours with the different key players in J's life. Never done this before so not sure what to expect. I'll let you know.
Off to bed, up again in 3 hours, then again in 3 and then 3 again. He is a very scheduled baby. The advantage of having been in the hospital for 2 weeks.

The best in us

Sometimes I think that I'm too old to foster a newborn, especially getting up 3 times in one night. But then I think back & try & remember what it was like having the hatched kids as newborns & I know I was equally tired. I didn't take a nap today and yet I still got some cleaning done and flowers planted. It's the little milestones that count. I do know that I am a heck of a lot wiser at age 40. And having the big kids around makes a huge difference.

Fostering again reminds me of all the positive attributes of everyone in the house at least as we wrap up week one with the baby. Todd drove him to the supervised visit today. After describing the place he went I was told I shouldn't go there by myself. I do have to go on Monday for a family intervention conference. The biological parents, adoptive parents to be, and myself will all meet with a cps person to create a plan for the baby. I was told it could take 3 hours. I am already thinking, give me a break, this should be so cut & dried. We'll see. I am sure I will need to remind myself of last Sunday's sermon when Romans 5 reminds us that Jesus died on the cross for sinners. Very hard to find anything positive for me to think about birth mom. I was reminded today that Gracie's birthday is coming up. She'll be three years old. Can't believe that it was so long ago that I got to be the witness for her adoption. I was in awe of the young mother who had the foresight to know she couldn't give her baby girl the life she deserved. Gracie is blessed with an awesome mom & dad.

Adoptive mom to be & her mom came to the house to see the baby today. I love witnessing the love for the sweet baby. He is already changing as he gets stronger, has better neck control & eats more. When he is wrapped all in his blankets, Madeline calls him a pig in a blanket.

Okay, little J. He is amazing. God is so good. The transition he has made into our family is seamless. Today our dentist had us stop by. She was deeply touched by J when we were there in Wednesday. She had at least 8 outfits(mix of old & new), 2 sackfuls of new toys, and some new spiderman tennis shoes. Christmas in April. Now J has at least double the clothes that Lucas has. Not only to I love to see how fostering affects my family, I love seeing the ripple affect. What a blessing this is.

Precious Boys

Ok, back to the computer so I can type about a hundred times faster. Trying to keep up with the thoughts racing through my head. What is it about foster kids that they can sleep in a strange bed, strange house, and go to sleep with no problems? I know there are a million reasons, mainly because they probably haven't had a stable bed of their own or perhaps because their little bodies are so weary and tired. Need to back up a little and describe how J came to the house. I carried in his just turned 3 year old body from the case manager's car. Spread the blanket on the sofa and laid him down. He didn't make a peep. CPS case manager, and CK representative, and I sit down and go through the paperwork. CPS asks if she needs to explain each page. I say no. We are finished in about half the time it has taken before. Love fast processes. When we are finished she asks how long I have been doing this. When I say since November I think she is slightly shocked and probably felt like she should have read the papers to me. It is always at this point that I feel the need to tell that I can read and write. I have a master's degree. Even though my mom red marked almost every paper I wrote for that master's degree, I still have it. As cps is leaving I suggest that she wake J up and say goodbye so that he won't be so confused when he wakes up. She gently tries to rouse him but no can do. She leaves. I make one of the kids sit on the sofa by him for the next hour so that he has a friendly face to wake up to. I tell Madeline that anyone that wakes up next to Princess Madeline will surely be happy. I'm sure she loves this since in a middle school class where she had to write what occupation she wants to have, Princess was on the list. Too much William and Kate on her mind.
The doorbell rings and in comes the baby's family to be. As we are all greeting, making a fuss over the baby, J still sleeps. There are 5 of us sitting on the sofa when he wakes up. He has the deer in the headlights look before the crocodile tears start rolling. I quickly snatch him onto my lap tell him I'm Nina, and that I am so glad he is here. I hold him for another 10 minutes. All adults in the room are brought into the tears. It takes awhile, and Camille is confused at first that he might not be able to talk, but before long he is laughing and talking. Wow, probably an hour adjustment and he is Mr. Charming. Falls to sleep and sleeps for 12 hours. It is such a blessing to have Todd work from the house as J could keep sleeping while I ran the kids to school. Camille is in her element again as she reads and plays with him. Todd has switched to calling the baby, Madeline's baby as holding him is the first and last things of the day for him. When I comment that she doesn't change diapers nor get up at night, she says that's why she has a maid. There you have it, my life as a maid.
The first nightime feeding is still all snuggly and good but the 2nd one has become a little more difficult. I feed him then lay him back down, thinking he can go a little longer without a diaper change. He squeaks some more, so I get back up to change him. I lay back down. Now that his diaper is changed, he is hungry again. I get back up and feed him some more. Still all is good, and I am so blessed by his sweet presence.
Today was like starting over with a new little family as I had a baby and a 3 year old in the house. J sleeps till 9, eats 2 eggs and a plate full of fruit. An hour later he is asking for pasta. He is charming, entertains himself, but is definitely a boy. The fisher price doll house has become a fort and the people are flying off it. He found some of the little bear math manipulatives and is carrying them around calling them gummie bears. Adorable. Lays down for a nap and doesn't make a peep. I get the baby to sleep for his nap. Yes, my much needed naptime for me, too. The doorbell rings and the phone rings 3 times. Guess naps are overrated.
I am sitting at the dinner table with 4 boys. Madeline is babysitting and Camille is in trouble. I am so happy to share our table. Lucas & Todd begin their pushing each other around. I watch to see how J will handle it. He is really watching. I wonder if he is scared. My question is answered when he takes his plate to the sink and gives Lucas an elbow when he passes him by. I'm no longer worried. He can hold his own here. Such a precious boy.

A full house

I keep thinking that I will back up and try to capture some of the remarkable things that have been going on but when new stuff happens each day I guess I'm a little overwhelmed.

Lucas had his field trip today and I have been planning on going for a long time. I knew I could always take foster kids to drop in childcare. I just didn't realize I would have a 2 week old. So, Becky and Helen split shifts and came over for baby holding. Todd got to keep working & all was good.

Field trip was to the movies so that's my kind of field trip. Drove myself there so no bus ride. Popcorn, movie, and food court. 4 cutie boys in my group. Got a voicemail from CK(covenant kids) towards the end of the movie. Figured I should go listen to it since it might be about the baby. It wasn't. It was about 3 year old needing placement today. About then I got s text from Todd who also got the call. Can't believe he forwarded it. Of course the number he sent was a digit off. Needless to say, I have a weakness for 3 year old so tonight J is tucked into bed in our foster care room. A 3 year old boy who has a contagious laugh. Camille read to him, brushed his teeth, Lucas played legos, and madeline chased him around the block. He came with no clothing. Super Lesley came to the rescue again. Thank goodness she has a houseful of boys.

In the midst of this, I guess I will back up to yesterday. I finally got the adoptive parents phone number. She was so relieved to hear from me, she hadn't expected the call at all. Found out that the baby has 3 biological brothers! I know. I could go into a whole soap box lecture about this topic. Most importantly as I'm cussing a woman who is almost as old as me & making these decisions, I'm then hearing joyful sounds coming from the adoptive parent home. I don't know their story. I can only assume they couldn't have kids and thru this woman they now have a houseful of boys. Hard to understand. I guess that foster care.

Did I mention that I invited them over for dinner tonight? And yes they did come but they came earlier and I didn't have to cook. They were so delighted to meet their baby. They didn't find out about him until after he was born. They knew of the possibility but he was born 5 weeks early. They have 1 more class, and their nome study then will get to have him. I am so thankful for the time we are getting to spend with him!

Once again a full house. I love it.

Yes, we are in love

He is such a blessing. I can't describe what it is like to have a sweet baby dropped off on your porch. Yes, I am getting up with him 2 times in the middle of the night. But I am savoring every minute. I feed him his bottle, change his diaper, and then just sit there, listening to his tiny heart beat and his breath whisking against me. When Camille was a baby I think I was too tired to sit and enjoy the moment. I think that nightime insomnia is definitely an advantage. He lacks for no attention. You should have seen Camille & Madeline rushing to complete Saturday chores because the first one done got to hold him first. We have developed a rotation on Saturday as the 3 girls take turns while the boys are a watching a baseball game. He cries when he is hungry or if he has a dirty diaper. He doesn't have very long awake times. He is absolutely breathtaking. Yes, we are in love.

The Call

The call came Friday around 11. Almost 48 hours after we were on the list. I had just pulled into the parking lot of Old Navy. This was after leaving Ann Taylor loft where I had finally spent my gift card that I received back in December. Thanks, Sandy! Covenant Kids says they have a 2 week old baby boy who is in need of placement while his adoptive parents get their license current. He has a brother who is 2 that is already living with this family. What? A baby? We're not suppose to get a baby. We're suppose to be 1-5 years old. She looks at her paperwork and it says 0-5. Oh,my. Wow. I ask if I have time to call Todd. Yes. Can't even imagine a 2 week old baby, but then I'm thinking what a great chance to cuddle a baby and for a predetermined link of time. I think she did mention 2 weeks and we all know how the last 2 weeks worked out. 2 months. But this is different since I'm sure the adoptive family will be motivated to get their paperwork done quickly. I call Todd, explain the situation and ask him if he's in or out. I have to repeat the question again but he says,"I'm not going to move out." Perfect. Just the positive YES that I needed to hear. I then try to call back and give her the news that we will. I don't have her extension number nor her last name. Its dial by directory last name. Hate those stupid automated systems. Rack my brain with 2 other people I know in that office. Neither answer their phones. Call and text my case manager but she's in a doctor visit. Finally call the other CK office and pick a random number. Yes, I get a live voice who gives me the correct number. I swear this must have taken an hour, well, at least 10 minutes. Of course, she doesn't answer so I leave a message. Then I'm still nervous so I call back 2 more times. Finally I get her. YES! Ok, she'll call me when she has a specific time. And that's it. We're getting a baby.
I guess I'll refer to him as Baby since that's what I seem to call him. His bio mom filled out the birth certificate but I'm not sure what adoptive parents will eventually do. So,its Baby. He's suppose to do the car seat test, sitting upright for 1 1/2 hours. He was born at 35 weeks at 6lbs 9oz. Doesn't sound like a premie to me. They are suppose to arrive at 2:30 so I decide to get kids early from school since I usually get them at 2:50. Not quite that simple since I'm getting 2 other kids that day, so I have to arrange to have them leave early,too. I should know better, it wasn't until 5 that he got here.
I had 2 hours of getting to visit with the person from Covenant Kids whose job is to find and call families for placement that go do the paperwork for the initial placement. She has been to the house before! It is very interesting to hear some of her stories. She also gets to witness my lovely children as Lucas chases after Camille, reaches her, and grabs a handful of her hair. Love it when the kids choose to act their most absolute worse when we have someone associated with foster care at our house. Get Lucas up to his room, and no, I don't pull him by his hair to do it. Probably would have if I didn't have the witness :).
Its hard to put into words the emotion of having a 2 week old, blond, blue eyed, pink baby deposited on your door step. Unbelievable. What a blessing. Even Todd comments about what a beautiful baby he is. And oh my, is 7lbs 3 oz tiny. I have totally forgotten what it feels like to hold such a tiny baby. Never had one quite this tiny, Camille was 7lbs 11 oz, and the big kids were both 8lbs 4oz.
He arrives with a diaper on, a white tshirt, 3 pacifiers, 8 bottles, 2 sample size wipes, sample size pack of diapers, 2 booger sucker things, and 2 sample baby washes. That is it. And I have zero baby things in my house. Got rid of all of it. As I walk to get Camille from school my neighbor was doing yard work. They have 3 little ones and so I asked if he had any baby things still. Needless to say, God is already gracing the path for our baby adventure. When I walked back by the packnplay with bassinet insert that looks almost new is waiting for us. It had been in the garage waiting to be donated. Now we are ready because at least he will have a place to sleep.
Put out an email to my neighborhood moms, Caprice & Lesley and before the evening is over we are equipped. Before Saturday is over I put out an email telling the neighborhood moms thanks for their generosity. We have so much stuff for him. I could have had 6 packnplays, all from an email and a telephone call. I get teary when Helen & Alexis bring by new clothes and diapers. I am overwhelmed by the support for this baby. I am also saddened at how easy it is for us to get everything we possibly could need for this baby plus more and how difficult it is for so many young women to support their babies. I am grateful for the many blessings we have and for the chance we are going to have to share them.

Back on the List

The goal was to go back on the list after Easter. I had completed as much organization around the house & in our life that I could. We got to travel to Arkansas and spend a rainy weekend with the family. I still wasn't feeling 100% on Monday. I had a scan of my sinuses the Thursday before Easter and am now I'm taking 21 days of high powered antibiotics. By Wednesday I was at least where I wasn't have to go to bed at 9 every night. I still can't hear 100% clearly out of my left ear, but that's not always a bad thing. On Wednesday, both of my daily devotionals were about doing God's will. Ok, God, I hear you. I texted our case manager and said put us on the list again. Ages 1-5, 1 or 2 kids(not 3), and basic needs. Done. Then the waiting began. Every time the phone rang I would be a little jumpy. A kind of nervous but excited feeling wondering what God has in store for us. It felt good to be back on the list

Hope I don't get struck by lightning

I feel like I might get struck by lightning. Our agency called today to see if we would take in two children. She said that her supervisor knew that we were off the call list on respite but he wanted her to try us anyway. I had to say no. I have the rest of this week and next jammed with activities to get the house and yard in shape. I have 1 music program, 2 lacrosse games, 1 singing competition(not for myself) and 2 field trips. I feel guilty for saying no. I also know that as I told our case manager, I will be a better wife, mommy, and foster mommy by using the time to get all the things on my list complete. It doesn't help that I am on day 2 of 5 days of steroids to try and get rid of the never ending sinus infection. Did I mention that i couldn't fall asleep at all last night! Not exactly the best time to welcome 2 new kiddos into our home. Now I have the advantage of knowing how demanding initial placements are with getting school set up, doctor appointment, dentist, paperwork etc.. Still, with knowing all that I still get a sense of guilt for not saying yes. I wish they wouldn't have called me. I guess I should screen my calls better!

It's been a good week of getting caught up on things around the house, lunch with friends, shopping with Shelley, and getting to use my balloon animal making skills to help decorate for the school book fair. It's like getting back to my basics. I am enjoying it but it feels more like vacation than the purpose I want to use my life for. I am confident in God's plan to use the blessings of my family to continue with foster care. That doesn't mean I'm not scared of what's ahead, of what to expect from the next foster kids. The thing I am reassured of is that we are on the correct path.

Outlive Your Life by Max Lucado

One week into home with only the hatched. If I did't have this darn sinus infection i think I might be able to get some things done. I have swept under the sofa. Got Camille's room spring cleaning under way. Placed an Easter decoration out. Last night I was feeling so crummy and tired of listening to Camille's whining that at 6:30 I told Madeline I was going to bed. When I woke up at 8, Camille was in her bed asleep, Madeline was doing homework, and Lucas was hanging in his room. House under control, even when I wasn't. It's a good thing to have break.

When we were in Vegas Todd kept asking or requesting, I'm not sure which, if we were going to take a break from foster care. He wanted me to make sure and get off the call list because he knew if I got a call I wouldn't be able to turn it down. Our case manager was her on Tuesday and she also thought a short break would be good for us.

Did I mention that when we were in Taos over spring break that I gave Todd my iPad and asked him to go to the wifi spot to download a book or two for me. Without any directions he chose, Outlive Your Life by Max Lucado. The book didn't download all the way do it wasn't until we were in Vegas that I got the download. In summary, Mr. Lucado is building on the principals in the book of Acts. Everyday Christians. Then he drives home the point of feeding the hungry children of the world. I told Todd that he is sending me mixed signals. The book is fuel for my desire of foster care. We will take break but I have no doubt that that is exactly what it will be a break. God speaks to my heart and I know that as an everyday Christian I am to feed the hungry children at this magnificent table I have in my kitchen. While I am certainly at peace with a respite, especially while I take my antibiotics, I calmly yet anxiously await what He has in store for us.

The Visit

Saturday night I get in from my trip and gram, the girls and I pack up A's room. I think there were 8 kitchen garbage sacks filled with clothes and mainly toys that her mommy had bought her while she was here. Then there was the play kitchen, little kid table that I had never even unwrapped, and her scooter. There was still enough room for Lucas to cram in the backseat. We picked Lucas up from a sleepover. He said he went to sleep at 4:30. Great. I was sure we would see signs of a sleepover hangover as we call it at my house. Thats another story. My mom thought we were going to a Methodist church, I guess because I'd talked about the Methodist men's group helping. Camille was mad we weren't going to our church and wanted to know where we were going. I said as long as there wasn't a golden idol or a cow at the center of the stage and that our God was being worshipped then we would be fine to be there one Sunday. Walked in and A was in a prayer circle. Her mommy said they went early for the prayer service because she figured they could use all the prayers they could get. We were treated like royalty. The congregation was so warm and friendly. A's mommy proudly introduced us to several people. Saw another case worker from the cps office. I think she was surprised to see me there. We enjoyed the service, even Camille. Got to hold A on my lap and Madeline larder told me that she was holding A's hand. Then she went back to her mommy. It has to be so confusing for her trying to figure this out. I told her that all of her family was there and that we all love her. I was told that kk & Z were doing great. They had all had dinner together the night before. Madeline & Camille are constantly asking when we can see the. I think I'll contact Auntie & see if we can meet this weekend. I'm a little fearful that seeing the will make me miss them more.

After church we followed the to way out of town. A term that I would hear used in my teenage years comes to mind but I will refrain from profanity or acronyms for profanity. It wasn't even a trailer park. Just a corner of some land off a dirt road. It has been a day since I was there. Since then I have gone thru the emotions of being sad,angry, disgusted, and the apathetic to what I saw. I will try to paint a bit of a picture without sounding too pious. Appliance and old chair in the front that could be deemed a yard. A was freaking out at what I thought was a dog toy. Camille kicked it with her cowboy boot. Nope, A's daddy said it was real. Really dead. 5 dogs so no wonder. Stairs that looked like they could give way any minute. No hand rail. Litter box under the kitchen table. I will stop with that. A was so proud to show us her room. I am so happy that she has no concept of the differences between homes. On the way out I hushed Camille as she was groaning about the size of A's room. If it was only the size that she saw the. I am happy. We unloaded everything, said our goodbyes and I told them to call if they ever needed anything. And thus is the end of the chapters of A. I'm not sure when our paths will meet again. I am sure that they have a church family to support them and tons of love for A. The rest I am just not really clear about.

Reflections

It is now time for my return to home. I am sitting in the airport by myself preparing to board in 30 minutes. The trip got off to a very rough start but I ended up having a great time. I told Todd if I could have one more week then I think I could be rested up. I still don't feel all that great. I haven't been able to hear clearly since we left Taos over a week ago. I decided that while in Vegas it wasn't such a bad thing to have limited hearing. Lots of rest and thinking. Todd & I reflected a lot on the 4 year old girl that came to live with us around thanksgiving. Pacifier, sippy cup, overweight, uncoordinated, no personal hygiene skills, couldn't hold a pencil yet so well behaved and obviously loved as she was so kind and thankful. I think about the person she is today and I think what a great description. She is a person, an individual. She is no longer a 4 year old body that someone has tried to keep as a baby. I signed her up to be tested for special Ed because I felt like she was so behind in speech, gross motors, and fine motors. After a month with us, we were already beginning to see a different child. One who could skip, hold a pencil, and didn't use the word ain't. She soaked up even more as we signed her up for private preschool. Through the positive growth we also witnessed a change for the negative. A child who could throw a crying fit for an hour. A child who couldn't work herself out of fit no matter what technique we tried. I am worried about her coping skills. I don't understand how a child can get upset over a small incident than not be able to stop herself from spinning it into serious crying fit. She could not figure out how to stop crying so that she could simply step out of her room. This became very disturbing to the family and a true test of our patience. I know that I didn't always pass the patience test. I worry about her. I worry about if she will be allowed to do anything she wants so she will never have to use her coping skills. I worry that she will have trials and won't be able to cope. I pray for little A.

A is back home

Wednesday Can't even describe the day. Blogging from the iPhone seems to inhibit my thoughts from freely flowing. Todd & I boarded the plane for Vegas at 9:40. I love sales meetings. Got off the plane around 1 Las Vegas time. I saw that I had a missed call from our agency case manager. Called her & she didn't answer. We are sitting waiting to get our luggage when she calls back. My mom's certification for CPR is not valid. They will no longer accept the training from online. Even though she was the one that gave us the link to the online training. She is very sorry about the error. She says that A will need to go into respite care. A stranger's home until I get home. I am speechless and sickened. After a trip to the bathroom to compose my mascara I call her again and say that A needs to go home not into respite and that she needs to call cps. She is agreeable to that.

Guess I should back up a bit and say that the grandparents drug test came back negative on Tuesday. I got a call on Tuesday saying that A would be going home. Since I wanted to take her, the placement would be on Sunday. I will get back into town on Saturday. This wasn't the ideal time since I would be our of town until then but I knew I had time to plan and somehow get it all done.

Then comes today. After trying to organize between Gram, agency case manager, cps case manager, myself, CPS supervisor, and the attorney, A is now home. I called my mom & told her where the new suitcase was and to just pack her clothes on the second shelf. She also needed to pack both her special pillows she sleeps with. I think it was around 4:15 Texas time that A left for home. I know the time because Madeline said when she got home from school the case manager was there and A told her that she was going home. Madeline said that it was the happiest she had ever seen A so Mad said she wasn't going to cry and upset A. I'd called A's grandma/mommy and she was beside herself with excitement. She was also confused as to how such good luck was heading her way. I explained the days crazy circumstances and how I never would have town if A was to be put in respite care. My case manager is young. She made a mistake. She is super sorry and totally accepted responsibility for it. It is good that I am older and wise and could think clearly enough to insist A get to go home or any other solution but not staying in a stranger's house for respite care. I am thankful to CPS for pulling it off, getting the attorney's signature and making things happen in a short amount of time. I know they are overworked. A's mommy asked that when I bring her the rest of A's things if I could come and go to church with them. She says everyone knows of "Nina" and she wants me to meet their church family. A request that is hard to turn down. I will see A on Sunday. I have a feeling that it will not be the last time we see her. Almost 5 months with us and she will always be ingrained in my heart. Many good times and many rough times. I'll have more time to ponder that.

The case manager called & left a message of the jubilant reunion and the new pink car seat. A is back at home.