Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!
It's December.  Twelve days until Christmas.  Our home is decorated, minus a Christmas tree, our cards are in the mail, and a few gifts have been bought.  Mason is still living with us.  It's a long, complicated, true to foster care story, but things happen and he will be with us until at least February.  He continues to be a blessing in our home as he is such a happy, kind child.  He struggles in school and I try to help him.  I am reminded of why I emphasized gifted education versus special education during college.  Special education is a challenge.  I have no doubt that he is in our home for a purpose and I am an education champion.  Hoping to get him on a much better road for success than he has ever been.  He gets along great with all the kids.  He & Lucas play legos, bionicles, and all of Lucas's favorites.  He plays with Camille and does whatever she wants.  Wise boy. 

We still grieve for BG & N, when we pull their stockings from our storage box, or when I am shopping I could find at least a million things for a 2 year old girl.  We have very minimal contact with them.  I'm still hopeful that that will change.  As far as I know, they are doing good.  Our house is still so quiet and not a day goes by when someone isn't sharing a BG story.  I am thankful for the year we had with them.  They touched and changed our lives forever.

We are spending Christmas a little different this year with just our family heading for a ski trip.  Thankfully, the grandparents haven't written us off their lists.  I'm looking forward to a quiet Christmas, void of basketball, dance, piano, concerts, school, homework, and the millions of car trips I make a day.  We will get a "real" Christmas tree and decorate it the old fashion way.  A Christmas of new memories. 

Now back to my lists and then on to Camille's classroom where I get to help make gingerbread houses.  We are so fortunate.  Merry Christmas!

God protects his heart

When I feel anger or resentment stirring in me, I remember how God has protected this sweet boy's heart.  When I hear about no food in the fridge because he said they are broke, or how there were no lights in his house.  What about when Camille, he & I are in the kitchen and we hear a noise upstairs.  I'm saying that it is a picture that has fallen from the wall.  He says that it is a big rat whose tail has hit the wall.  I say that we do not have rats in Nina's house.  He continues to argue with me that is what the sound was.  Camille goes upstairs to inform that the pencil box fell from the shelf.  I can't imagine the world that he has come from.  He is so good.  So eager to please.  So eager for love.  So excited when Buddy comes into the room.  Follows Camille & takes her orders for the most part.  Easily falls into the routine of our clean, safe home.  What a blessing.  He eats like a professional football player.  Has the table manners of a zoo animal.  Other manners are oh so good.  Learning to shower, pick up his room, make his bed, but most of all would prefer to bounce the basketball or jump in the pool.  He blends in and adds such joy. We are so blessed by his presence in our home. His perspective from being older than any foster child we have had in our home, adds to the heartbreak.  The meager possessions he got from his mommy break my heart all over again.  Clothes that are sizes too small, torn or tattered.  It makes me want to open our doors to so many more.  This is our home and I wish we could do much more.

On the Eve of Halloween

The call came at 9 at night, and so it is that at midnight on Halloween Eve with a full moon shining, M came to join us. The call came and described how they needed a place for a 7 year old boy to stay until the home where his 13 year old sister was going had an opening for him to stay there, too.  Heartbreaking to think of them being separated but we were already stretching our rules with a 7 year old boy, turning 8 very soon, since we state we want kids younger than Camille.  Since I knew it was for a short time, how short I do not know, I knew it would be fine.  It was an emotional start for me with processing how I couldn't just say, let them both stay.  Imagine, looking into the eyes of a 13 year old girl and telling her how you will keep her brother safe until he can come be with her.  It challenged my beliefs but when all was said and done I knew we had made the right decision.  The family they will be going to is looking to adopt a sibling group.  It is unfortunate that M couldn't go there from the get go, but it is fortunate for this time we are having to love on him.  He is good and kind.  Funny and athletic.  School will be a struggle but he can't wait to go.  He is mannerly and corrected Camille a few times yesterday.  We went shopping and got some clothes and the scary mask he needed to complete his grim reaper costume.  He is adjusting so well and fits in fine.  Big kids haven't had much time with him since we have been busy with Halloween festivities.  His favorite thing to do is bounce the basketball.  Every time Todd walks into the house, he encourages him to keep counting and see how many time he can dribble the ball.  Then Todd leaves the house and I get the pleasure of listening to the ball bounce.  M says that he is bored.  I say that he needs to be in school.  He agrees.  Hopefully all the paperwork will be squared away and he can start on Monday.
It has been a unique situation to have an older child in the home.  He has been awestruck as he looked around the house and amazed at the amount of food in our refrigerator.  He told me that he didn't have milk in his because they are broke. We are humbled by his response and reminded of how much we have to be grateful for and so fortunate to share it with him.  Welcome to the stan clan M!!

Hello

Even now, when I walk into their room, I get an incredible feeling of loneliness and sadness.  I guess it can be almost be like death.  My babies are gone.  This is the reason why most people can't do foster care.  Can't get past the incredible loneliness that dwells deep in your heart.  It's been somewhat of a rough 7 weeks.  The communication between BG & N's mom with me, hasn't been exactly like I thought it would be.  Another testament to the unknowns of foster care and the emotional roller coaster that it is.  I have gotten more projects completed in the house than imagined.  Todd & I got to go to NYC.  And now I am home and the quietness is too much.  I'm feeling like a slug.  I need more.  We had our family meeting on Monday to decide if we were ready as a family to go back on the foster care list.  Camille was the driving force behind it.  She is begging for some more children.  Everyone gave a thumbs up and Buddy gave a thumbs in the middle.  He'll go with the flow.  I think his is a combination of enjoying the quiet calmness around our house, but also I think he believes that no other children will capture our hearts like BG & N.  He may be right about the heart capturing.  I'm sure he's right about the quiet, too.  But, I can only handle so much quiet.  An hour after we had our vote, I received a text pic & message of Baby(our newborn we had for a month).  He had just had his 18 month doctor's visit and is doing perfectly.  I have never prayed over a child with the intensity that I prayed for him.  I am thankful for God in sending me the reassurance that this is what He has called us to do.  It is no coincidence of the timing of the picture.  Now, we wait for our call.  Our call about new foster kid or kids, that is.  We've already answered the call from God to foster.  "Hello, we are ready."

Stay tuned

Friday was probably the longest day.  It seemed to drag on forever.  N was sensitive and back to old habits.  Its against the rules to run hot wheels on the walls & kitchen table and he resorted back to breaking the rules.  Camille was grumpy.  N was sensitive.  Both handling stress in the only way they know how.  BG was herself.  CPS had called on Thursday and said they were unable to transport kids to their mom's house.  I was happy about that because that made the transfer seem so much more business like than the twice weekly transfers we had been having between mommy & me.  Most of their stuff I'd already sent so there wasn't too much more to bring.  Madeline said her goodbyes then left for Fish Camp for church with Kara and Kristi.  Then the rest of us left to meet mommy at McDonalds.  BG was cranky when we got there and didn't want anyone hugging or kissing on her.  All she wanted to do was go play at her normal play spot, McDonald's.  I told mommy I wanted a picture of the three of them together before I said my goodbyes. I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to hold it together.  I did.  It was a whimpering sort of cry that shook by body with slight tears running down my cheeks.  N looked in a near state of panic.  I didn't expect that.  I kept reassuring him that we loved him and will always love him.  Mommy is ready to be the best mommy for him.  And then they were gone.  I pulled it together and did okay.  We grabbed dinner but I didn't have much of an appetite.  Dropped Lucas off for his overnight at church then my appetite came back enough for Camille & I to grab ice cream sandwiches at Nestle. 
I'm fine.  I think that the emotional buildup over the past few weeks had done me in.  Every time someone asked me what was happening with the kids, I would get teary.  BG did something cute, and I would get teary.  I didn't have any more tears left.  My job was complete.  I loved those precious children for almost a year.  Would I have kept them?  I think so.  Am I hopeful that mommy's is the best place for them?  Definitely. 
I have put away the high chair, picked up Lego's and hot wheels from all sorts of locations, washed sheets and scrubbed hand prints off the craziest locations.  That is why we are able to do foster care.  To know that God called us to care for, protect and love children when they are at their neediest.  To be able to give them back with minimal falling apart.  Could I open my doors today for another child?  You bet, but we are taking our names off the list for a bit and getting back into the groove of school and our family.  Will we do this again? I think that God has great plans for us.  Stay tuned.
Today I survived getting a freshman to high school, 6th grader to middle school, and a 8 year old to 3rd grade.  What a year of changes it is!

All in God's Timing

It's easy to think about all the good things when everyone in the house is sleeping and the only sound is the dishwasher running.  And the big kids will be here tomorrow to unload the dishwasher for me, so even better.  I want to go in and lay on N & BG's floor and just hear their breaths and be close to them all night long while they are so sweetly sleeping.  Their last night with us.  I told N that all 5 of us would read to him.  Camille went in first but he didn't want her in there.  Lucas read first.  Madeline read her all-time favorite "Peter Pan".  I read "Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You".  Buddy read "You are Special."  N ended up asking for Camille and she read "IF you give a mouse a cookie".  Trying to make the most of our final time together. 
Most of the time I'm really ok with this monitored return to mom.  Last Sunday was a great night when the Gilmartins, Georges, Goetz, and Lunborgs got to go to Fuzzy's and meet N's mom and grandma.  It was a great evening of fellowship and letting N's family see the community that has cared for their kids the past year.  I am so thankful to my community for all of their support.  I wanted N's mommy to see the support I had and to know that it was ok for her to ask for help in raising her kids.  I hope that she is able to find half as good of a support team as I have.
We have come such a long ways.  From a tiny baby who was crawling, to a laughing, running, telling me "no", almost 2 year old.  From a boy in a body cast prone to crying fits & temper tantrums, to a laughing, swimming, confident young boy.  And that is why we do what we do.  Not because our hearts will be broken and sad tomorrow night when our house is quiet.  I'm sure we will be feeling plenty of those feelings, but to see the changes in these kids over a years time is being able to witness God's glory in our day to day lives.  Just as Miss Becky reminded N of tonight, "Who loves you the most?" and N says, "God."  Thank God for this year.  For the smiles and the struggles.  For the growth we have experienced as a family and a small community.  And each of my hatched kids has said sometime in the last week, "when do we do this again?"  All in God's timing.

Quiet

I think that every second of my day must revolve around this 21 month old girl that stole my heart almost a year ago.  Tonight she is with her mommy and I am so lonely for her.  I don't think its because I'm lonely for her tonight, but I'm lonely for knowing what is ahead and can't imagine what it will be like with BG & N in our lives.  August 24th is the return to mom date.  Until then they have unsupervised visits and a couple of sleepovers at mom's house.  When I asked N about how he felt about it this morning, he said,"maybe happy".  I don't even know how I feel so I'm proud of him for being able to express his cautious happiness.  I'm wondering how they are sleeping in this new apartment, separate rooms, so far away from here.  I turn off the tv and I put the remote up so that BG can't grab it.  I see my bobby pins laying on the table and realize she won't be here in the morning to eat them.  A year is too long.  Too long to become a part of our home, our family, and my heart.  I wish I could know how BG is feeling, maybe happy? 
I buckled my babies into the smokey smelling car and I gave them all kisses.  I know they will have a great sleepover.  They come back to me tomorrow at 6.  I should be enjoying this break.  Its just hard to when I know what is ahead.  No big deal when they are at Hen's house.  She could have them every day and I wouldn't be sad.  I pray for their mommy and hope that she will be the best mommy for them. 
Of course its suppose to be quiet at midnight, but what about during the day.  How sad will the quiet be?  Thank God for his mighty plan.  I know He will protect and care for the littles.

Humility

Today's lesson is one of humility.  We may be a foster care family but we live in a mostly clean house and have never had a bug infested home.  I know that, ummm, lice, knows no boundaries, I just thought that since I was 41 years old I was above and beyond getting it. Probably should back up a few weeks so that I can really set myself up for a mother of the year award.  Camille had been complaining about an itchy head. I'd scrubbed her head and checked it over.  Saw nothing.  A week or so went by, geez I'm really a bad mom, and I sent Todd to the store for some shampoo to help her itchy scalp. He says pharmacist wants to know if she has lice.  I've checked.  Nope.  She's prone to itchy skin so I just figured it had moved(horrible choice of verbs) to her head.  Send her to gram & gramps house with her new anti  itching shampoo.   She leaves and I then notice an itchy rash on my neck.  Todd won't really pay attention to it and a friend says to take a Benadryl.  Fast forward a week and we have traveled to get Camille and make the grandparent circuit. Camille spends the night at cousin Emma's house and I get a call this morning from my brother that Aunt Joyce is doing a braid in Camille's hair and discovers bugs.  Oh no,  my worst fears have come true.  After being a school teacher and having the dreaded seemed like weekly head checks, then working in the hair salon, it couldnt be happening.  I can't leave to go get her cause I have no car.  He stops at the pharmacy, gets the stuff and brings her to me.  In the meantime I have a small breakdown, I can't believe the poor child has been suffering from this so long.  I am a very bad mommy. I won't go into details, but almost 2 hours later I have taken care of Camille.  Then it's my niece, madeline, nephew, sister in law, Todd, gramps, and Lucas.  No one else had it, thank goodness, that is but me.  A day spent doing hair and my dad & Joyce spent part of their day at the laundromat disinfecting anything that could fit in the dryer.  I'm not sure if Joyce really tore up the carpet in Emma's room or not.  The littles seemed to weather the storm and weren't infected.   A very long day. Can't imagine what my dreams will be of.  Humbled by my lice.  And now the nickname that Camille has always had will never be the same.  Poor kid.  Camilley-bug. Buggles.  Bug.  little bug.  Ruined forever.

My prayer requests

Since I seem to be on a roll tonight I'll go ahead and mention my prayer concerns for the foster kids.  Too bad I don't stay more up to date.  I keep thinking I'm going to have an afternoon to catch up or maybe I need a month.  Just doesn't seem to happen and when I get a free moment there is so much to do.  Doesn't seem possible that N & BG have been here for 10 months.  The entire school year plus some.  Thank goodness for Helen or I don't think I would have any time to catch my breath from the crazy busy mess of a 20 month old.  The kids are doing remarkable.  The transformation in N is nothing short of a miracle.  Praise God for that.  He is laughing, joking, splashing, and thoroughly bonded with Buddy.  He can laugh and appreciate humor like I never thought he could.  He understands teasing, mild sarcasm, and just how wonderful it is to be loved by a man.  Buddy has made such a difference in N.  My prayer is that this sweet boy never has to put up the walls to protect himself from a relationship with a man again.  I also pray that whatever the future holds that he will always know how much we love him and that he is going home to be with his mommy because she's his mommy, not because Nina and Buddy don't want him here.   I cannot begin to think of what it will be like for BG to understand where her Ni Ni, Buddy, Madewin, Uckie, Mille, Hen(Helen) and the rest of the Gilmartins are when she goes home.  This is home.  This is all she knows.  My heart weeps at the thought of her waking up in the middle of the night and crying for me and I won't be there. Prayers of protection,safety, and understanding for this sweet baby. Court is this week.  Not sure if that makes a difference in decision making or not.  It's time.  It's actually past time in my opinion.  I love these children and most days I'm in no hurry to see them go, but the longer they are here the harder it will be for them to leave.  My prayers have been to know how to help them, how to help their mom.  I have been strongly convicted that I need to have them closer to me so that my team and I can support this young woman and be there for N & BG.  She has a temporary job in the bubble.  I'm praying that it goes well and that we can move her closer to Flower Mound.  I would love to be apart of their daily lives.  Please add this to the prayers.   I can't stop there.  I got to go see our first foster child, A, and her brother and sister that lived with us for awhile, too.  Ariana, McKinsey, and Isaiah.  They will forever remain in my heart.  Ariana is living with her grandparents who are mommy and daddy to her.  The are affected by the vicious disease of poverty.  Then they are watching McKinsey and Isaiah for the summer.  Those 2 were adopted by a relative.  They were all 3 so happy and healthy when we met them at McDonalds.  They each willingly let me hug and kiss on them as much as I could.  They wanted to know why Buddy wasn't there, he had meetings.  They found great joy in retreating to former patterns of following Camille and being chased by Lucas.  Madeline made sure all drinks and wishes were met.  Love them and know that they are being loved.  Not sure that they have the best places to sleep at night or as they all pile into the front seat of pickup truck and Camille is horrified that they aren't in booster seats, my heart is sad for them.  I'm praying that I can have a clear answer in the best way to help them.  It is so good to see them and to know that they are stable in their lives and weren't afraid of who they would be leaving McDonalds with. They understood I was just there to visit.  Of course, McKinsey wanted to come home with me.  You know I would have taken her.

A glimpse of life outside the bubble for Madeline

My heart is so full of pride for Madeline.  She just returned from a week long mission trip to south Dallas where she got a glimpse of life outside the bubble.  She came home humbled by the experience, attached to a 4 year old girl who doesn't speak English and that had never seen anyone with blue eyes.  I listened with intent to the details that Madeline kept adding to her experience.  I'm not sure if she is inspired to learn Spanish now instead of French but the door is now open a bit to the idea.  I think she would have brought the sweet child and her siblings, perhaps even abuela,  home with her if she could.  Don't know where she would get those ideas.  I think that I feel most like, job well done for me.  This smart, loving, daughter of mine had no interest in little ones before we started fostering.  I don't think she ever picked up a baby doll and she tolerated Camille for the most part.  Now I am able to see another whole nurturing side of her.  Then to know that she is able to leave her comfort zone and go share her talents and her love for Jesus, is beyond amazing to me.  To listen to this 14 year old share her prayer concerns, lifts my heart to depths I never knew.  I am so proud of her.  There is nothing sweeter than witnessing someone so dear to me, growing closer to God and able to share it with others. I can't wait to see where this will lead her.  Praise God for my blue eyed girl getting to travel to south Dallas and find a closer walk with Jesus.  

Camille update

I must make a small confession that I might have turned into a small time dance mom over the course of 3 days when Camille decided to try out for the competitive team at dance.  I've always known the girl was a dancer, I just wasn't sure if she was going to go with that of not.  After watching here play basketball I was even more confident in my assessment.  She decided the week before recital that she wanted to tryout.  Go for it, we told her.  Went to the session to learn the jazz and ballet routines for the tryouts.  No way, was my initial thoughts when I saw how fast the jazz routine was.  Actually, I may have even said something to the affect of there's not a snowballs chance in hell.  Too bad Becky heard me say that.  Anyways, I recorded the routines and then became a dance mom.  Spent the next 2 days practicing with Camille.  Yep, I learned them too.  Laughter, tears, and we worked really hard.  Going into tryouts I was 50/50  about her success.  Or maybe of my success.  I knee I couldn't have pulled it off and remembered everything.  Watched her through the magic mirror and she was amazing.  Everything I'd known about here body moving like a dancer and her confidence was outstanding.  I was beyond proud of how she did.  She is now a member of the mini company and I have put away my dance mom suit.   She is also growing up so much.  She is still the best helpers for the little.  She will play N and take care of BG.  She is also a super helper st school.  Her teachers gave her the "teacher" award because of the way she is so helpful to anyone in her class that needs it. We survived her first birthday party sleepover.  5 precious friends who swam and played.  Only had one puke and one complain of her ear hurting.  All in all it confirmed my belief that I hate sleepovers. I can't believe that she will be in 3rd grade.  Seems like a lifetime ago that I taught third grade.   We continue to seek Dr E's help in building up Camille's resistance so that she doesn't get knocked down by so many sinus infections.  Bloodwork in May shows everything moving in a positive direction.  Still very hard to try and eliminate glutten and dairy from her diet.  She's very good about trying. She has been having a short fuse when dealing with N ever since school got out.  Probably too much togetherness.  She likes having a built in playmate when it is convenient for her but if her mood is off then he gets the brunt of it.  She is usually very patient when dealing with BG. She is going to love her week away with Gram & Gramps.  

Luckie update

"Uckie" is the absolute sweetest sound that you can hear coming from BG whenever Lucas is in the room.  He continued to have rock star status in here eyes.  When she wants him to hold here she rests her head on his shoulder like he's the greatest thing ever.  Of course, he is.  We all followed him around all spring watching him play lacrosse.  Gotta admit that I do like the sport and he is fun to watch play. I love to tease him about his lacrosse stick being like iphis blankie because he carries it around all the time.  As his body is growing we have been working on making some changes with his ADD.  Found a new doctor and definitely like his whole body approach.  Adjusting his me, adding some supplements, and trying to watch his protein and carb intake.  As I have said to a few moms lately who are struggling with sons diagnosed edith ADD, it would be such a travesty for Lucas to not have his treatment because of the huge difference in makes in him being highly successful.  He is so smart.  Can't believe that he is going to be in middle school.

Update about us & Madeline

Someday I am going to kick myself for letting these last few months go by without blogging.  It's been such a treat to go back and read over my earlier entries, because to be quite truthful, my memory usually stinks.  So to try and recap the past few months on a weekend short term memory but actually it's probably moved into the horrible long term memory.   Gotta begin with the amazing way out family just is.  After all this time with N and BG living with us, they are our family.  The stinky part of it is that we still have all these rules because of foster care.  The stupidest rule is that I can't use Madeline to babysit.  She is probably the best babysitter I've seen.  Never thought it would happen.  The girl who never played with dolls, who tortured her brother and sister for 12 years of here life.  But, she is growing up.  The torture part still goes on to some extent but with N and BG she is awesome.  That's been her saving grace this past week when here mouth runs on full throttle and she can't turn it off to be respectful, I will then witness her being so kind to the little.  We went to the Dallas World Aquarium and she was in charge of N the whole time.  Held his hand, pointed out everything, lifted him up, and smiled and laughed.  Over the weekend we were at the lake and she is is tender and concerned with N's safety.   He rides the tube with here and she holds on to him so protectively.  When N got on with Lucas and Camille, Lucas in one of his nonthinking moments, tips the tube.  I'm grabbing for my life jacket because I'm worried that N might freak out.  Before I can do anything, Madeline has jumped in and has N in her arms.  Atta girl.  As I said its a good thing for these moments because on the other hand, I 've been ready to take her out.  It was a crazy busy end of the school year for here with the production of Fiddler on the Roof.   She needed to have her hair darkened for her role of Chava.  We got the yucky rinse out mousse the first time but the girl has enough hair for entire family.  We tried a Demi product the second time and it looked good but the washes out in 4-6 shampoos was a joke.  Came back to bit me in the butt all the times I've changed my hair color, as I listened to here say she should just dye it dark, after all "it's just hair".  Don't know where she's heard that before.  Got her first hi lights this week so she is back to being a blonde and happy about it.  Can't believe that she is going to be in high school.  

Clothes

Clothes.  When you have 5 kids, there are a bunch of clothes.  And my least favorite chore in the world is laundry.  If I don't stay on top of things, all falls apart very quickly.  Changing of seasons is a big deal.  Sorting through everyone's clothes, finding what fits and what doesn't.  Easter outfits.  5 coordinating outfits.  When I go to Old Navy, I literally go into every section except for the men's.  I guess I could include Todd and get him something new but if you saw his closet, you would understand why I don't shop for him.  Usually just start back with BG clothes working my way up to Mad.  I'm on a no-shopping for Mad until she can show better responsibility for her clothes.  Did find a way to finally get her room cleaned, told her that if it wasn't picked up by Wednesday then I was going to do it for her.  Scared her and she did it.  Picked up, but not clean.  We are at least making progress.
Worst part about this warm weather is giving baths to the lil kids every night.  When I am tired at the end of the day thats one of the last things I want to do, and unfortunately no one else is really capable of helping.  I mean Todd could, but its not exactly his thing.
Had a little impromptu blessing when I suddenly decided to pop into a new salon for a pre Easter pedicure.  A few minutes after I sat down, in comes Lancine.  We got to spend almost an hour catching up.  We went through our initial foster care training together and both attend the same church just not the same service.  They have adopted a sweet little girl who was about 18 months old when they got her but is now around 3 1/2.  It hasn't been without some major battles, but prayers that all will go fabulously for that sweet child.

A Little Bit of Germs

I thought that I had forgotten my password since its been so long but my fingers typed it in without my deep thinking having to go into affect.  What a day.  What a time it has been since Christmas.  I think there has been maybe 2 weeks when someone around here hasn't been sick.  I'm thankful today for BG being on antibiotics.  Last week she had double ear infection and another bout of hand, foot, and mouth.  We were in my bathroom while I was putting winter clothes away.  She found 2 empty water bottles and was playing with them.  Guess she got thirsty cause next thing I know is the water bottles are dipping in the toilet and she is having herself a lil drink.  Gag.  Only thing that saved me from really getting grossed out is the fact she is taking antibiotics.  Building up her germ resistance.  Terrible 2's are fast approaching.  She emptied the tub of wipes, stood on N's bed & started peeling off his wall stickers, screamed when she had to get out of the tub, ran from me when she saw I was tucking N in bed.  Did I mention this was all this afternoon, of which she took an hour nap and Helen had her for 3 hours?  I've decided to start exercising again so that I can keep up with her.  That's the disadvantage of being an old mom.  Today she was entertained by my sweating in front of her while she ate her cereal.  We'll see how long it lasts.

As if its not bad enough to have a baby wearing me out, today I broke down and got a shocker thing for Pixie to set by the front door in hopes of keeping her from running for it every chance she gets.  Got the collar on her, set the little box by the front door.  Spent the morning watching her steer clear of it.  Just took a couple of times and she had it figured out.  Smart dog, I thought. So. . . I thought I'd do the real test.  I step outside and crack the door a little. She immediately hears the door open and comes racing through the tiny opening.  I grab her only to realize that we are within range of the shocker.  Its shocking her, its shocking me and all I can do is drop the dumb dog.  She races off.  I immediately call Nicki and tell her to be on lookout.  Don't care about the dog but want the $150 worth of new equipment she is wearing.  Dog comes back.  My arm tingles for at least 2 hours.  I can't stand d-dog.  Dumb dog.

N asked me about the men out on the golf course today.  He didn't know what that was.  I gave him my brief description and he says he would like to play when he is bigger.  I ask him if he will be living with mommy or Nina then.  He says Nina.  I ask if he would like to live with Mommy, and he says he likes it with Nina.  Breaks my heart.  He is doing so great. 

Camille can wrestle BG into her pj's, Madeline comes out of hibernating in her room only when BG is up from her nap, Lucas and N are having a giggle fest in the van on the dance drive tonight.  We are a family of 7. 7 months they have been with us.  Wow.  Life is good.

New Glasses

It is with mixed emotion that I say that I was right about N's vision.  Every time he runs into something I wondered if it was vision problems or just lack of coordination.  After 2 1/2 hours at a pretty lousy doctor's office, he now has new glasses.  Looks really cute in them.  Madeline says he looks smart.  He is a smart kid.  Not smart enough to know that throwing a fit will keep him from getting drops in his eyes for dilation, and thats another horrible sidenote that I don't want to have to go into.  Hope this keeps him from running into walls, but I hate it that he has to put up with the hassle of wearing glasses.  Too bad I was right. 
Little redeeming qualities for Madeline perk up every now and then.  I needed just a 15 minute shut eye in order to finish the evening.  She agreed to watch BG for me.  And, drum roll please, she changed a poopie diaper during that time.  Amazing.  Thanks, Madeline.  There is hope in your future.
Spent the evening at mini society for the elementary school.  Favorite thing about it is seeing all the neighborhood families come out and support the kids and the items they are selling.  Lucas had 38 bracelets he sold.  Notice I didn't say,"made", not exactly sure of how many he made but fairly certain that my percentage was higher than his. 
Case manager came by today and hung out with us.  She is a sweet, young woman.  Shared my concerns with her about N.  The big question was if she knew of how long the kiddos would be with us.  She's getting mixed feedback from her superiors.  I'm sure I gave mixed feedback, too.  I think I even confuse myself with the feedback I'm giving her.  I am worried about N.  Worried how his mom will handle him.  Worried that she doesn't have the sources to back her up if he gives her difficulties.  He is definitely making progress here.  I can honestly say that.  I think he benefits by being with us and that we can help him further by keeping him longer.  Wacko.  The kid that's driving me crazy, that I would say that.  It gets even wackier when I think of BG.  We are head over heels, 110%, in-love, smitten, and devoted to her.  I can say that for everyone in the house, everyone that she meets.  I know Helen will back me on this one.  She brings us so much joy every single second.  But. . . and there's my wackiness, I fear that the longer she is here the harder it will be for her to leave us.  We are all she knows.  The Stanfields with the Gilmartins are filling her life with constant love and learning.  I am very worried that she will be devastated when she doesn't have NiNi, Buddy, Nadaline, (can't say Lucas), Mil, di dog, and her beloved Helen in her life.  She is sung to, danced to, cuddled, cradled, held, swung, lifted high, strolled, and 1000 other things and that's just in one days time.  My heart aches thinking about how she will miss us.  And, yes, I will always miss her, but I still am confident that it is my job to be Jesus's hands and feet to care for this sweet BG while she needs us.  I know we are doing exactly what we are suppose to be doing in caring for her during this time of her life.  I am so thankful to be enjoying it so much but I think that it might be best for her to go home sooner rather than later.  Fortunately, I hold on to the power of Jesus and rely on his plan being far greater than mine.  Please join me in prayers for the judge and the other people involved in making the decisions about BG & N.  In the meantime,  I will love on BG & N as much as I can.  They are blessings to me.

No More Ba-Ba's

A week of healing, listening, growing, and of course, blessings.  Finally everyone in the house, including myself, surived sinus/allergy struggles.  Healing.  Being able to sleep makes the world so much nicer.  Listening.  Madeline learned a very valuable lesson about the necessity to communicate and listen to a very dear friend in order to mend hurt feelings.  Listening to the person face to face, not through text.  Listening to the person face to face and not listening to what others might think they are interpreting.  Wednesday was a very long day.  A lot of tears, but in the end, with listening, it was happy tears and hugs.  I hope it was a lesson learned.  All in all I can't believe that with Madeline being in 8th grade we have never encountered any problems with her and her friends until this week.  Very amazing.  Makes me concerned about Camille and her friends when she comes home talking about so and so being mad at her and not being her friend.  Not once did Madeline ever encounter this.  Madeline is blessed with wonderful friends.  So glad the friendship was restored this week. 
Growing.  Growing in faith as I watch God work in our home and our family.  BG growing up as I put the bottles away for good tonight.  I finally decided if she was going to be broken of bottles it had better be now or never.  We did it with very little struggle.  Her calcium intake has significantly decreased so my next goal is getting more milk in her.  She is amazing in all that she is learning and doing.  I will put items into the grocery cart and she tries to repeat every word that I say.  Helen has her singing hip hop songs while dancing in the car.  I don't think I would ever have pin pointed this as being a favorite age, but BG is making it so.  She brings delight to all of us.
N continues to struggle with behavior.  Gram said it best as describing his behavior as passive agressive.  The beginning of the week was tough but then the blessings began.  Becky &  Helen devised a plan that Becky picks up N from school on Tuesdays and returns him just before bedtime. Helen takes N & BG on Thursdays until bedtime.  The break for me and the extra positive attention for Nathan has helped tremendously. I am so thankful for my friends who heard my cries and didn't just listen, but took action.  What a blessing to have friends step in when family is not close by.  This is the longest we have had foster children in our home.  Before it was 4 months or less and I was able to re-energize between kids, get my house in order, or just take time to breath.  It has all caught up with me and while I wouldn't change the journey we are on, I have been tired.  With my friends help, BG taking a 2 hour nap Thursday morning, a girls day out with Nicki, and an all day outing with the hatched kids today, and I am hopeful for the week ahead.  I am at peace with N and can go into the week being hopeful that I will be a positive role model, and be patient in my dealings with his behavior. It's going to be a great week.

Basketball

Friday morning.  A day of blessing. A reminder of what I am doing. My gift to Jesus. My family's gift. Todd & I headed to Ft Worth at 7 am to be there at 8:15 for the adoption of baby. He is now called Josiah. He'll forever be known in our house as "baby". He is 8 months old and perfectly precious. I got to hold him and sneak in a few kisses. My constant prayers over him when he was with us for a little over a month have been answered. He is healthy, happy, and has a warm, loving, family that loves the Lord. I am so thankful that we got to go witness his official  adoption. Definitely a day of celebration. So fortunate to get to stay in touch with him and his family.  Today was a day of basketball. Lucas's team had their first win of the season. He lands on the floor near where I'm sitting & I yell "Get up!". He looks over and grins at me with the smile that will forever melt my heart. Too bad that he couldn't hear BG echo my "Get up". Wasn't quite as audible but the infliction was dead on the same as mine. Todd & I had to laugh. A great ending to a winning day with Lucas throwing up a basket as the buzzer sounds. 2 points. Super Lucas.  Ballerina basketball was next or at least that's how I refer to Camille. Madeline watched her for the first time and says she is going to work with her on her running. She wants to know what kind of leaping that is as she goes down the court. Could be an interesting lesson. 2nd half, Camille guards the girl I've deemed as the pageant girl. Her hair is in perfect curls(which of course it is picture day) but she is even more fearful of the ball than Camille. A great learning experience for our ballerina Camille. So proud of her for trying something new.  The day ends with the hatched kids making an impromptu trip to watch the Globetrotters with their daddy. This is when I don't mind having the excuse of staying home with the little ones. Curled up under a blanket, catching up on my dvr, wishing for some hot cider. Allergies, cold, or another sinus infection. Whatever it is, I hope it goes away soon. 

Red Plastic Cups

I guess I'm so far removed from the days of seeing fraternity houses that the thought never crossed my mind that red plastic cups on my front lawn might make this look like a fraternity house.  My case manager who visited this week, who is in her early 20's, happened to mention the similarities.  Stanfield party house.  Actually I was thinking more luminaries of red cups lining my sidewalk, but actually it was probably more like tea party.  On the other hand, I wasn't home, Buddy was in charge when the red cups appeared so who knows what the actual scenario was.
My morning devotion this week read about giving gifts to Jesus.  My heart went to the foster children in my home and how I set out into this venture to do just that.  Give the gift of loving these children as a gift to Jesus.  It is in this week that I have struggled with this gift.  N has amped up his "power struggles" and I too easily butt heads with him.  He is testing my patience at every turn.  Its not that I don't recognize the signs or know what to do.  I'm a seasoned veteran at strong willed children.  I think that the concern lies in that this gift I'm suppose to be giving to Jesus isn't that easy, especially this week.  I know that my patience are low, that I am struggling for the positives.  I find little comfort in the counselor who politely grins as N refuses to put on his coat when we are leaving her office and when I ask him to stay behind the red line on the sidewalk so he doesn't get run over, he steps on top of the red line.  There are always hard days as parents even with the hatched kids, days when I really don't like my kids. I know this intellectually, I still must summon up strength to continue to give this gift to Jesus.  Prayers for strength, endurance, and of course, patience. 

Material Stuff

Usually when I don't write for awhile its because we are out of town or because I'm extremely busy or tired.  For MLK weekend, we headed to Taos.  Todd came home with a coat for me to take to Taos & I'm still perplexed about it.  It was an awesome snowboarder looking coat with cool Japanese graphics going up the body of it.  For those of you that don't know, I am not a snowboarder, I am not a skier.  I am a hot chocolate drinker.  I'm not sure if Todd thinks I'm that cool snowboarder, wishes I was, or was just generally confused. Anyways, cool coat went back and he brought me home a long, cover my hiney coat that is much better for someone that sits on their backside than takes the slopes.  We enjoyed our weekend in the 1300 sq foot house.  Supergram came and stayed with N & BG.  Uncle B & Sutton went with us.  It was a weekend of reflection for me in seeing how we were quite comfortable in the small house, conscious of conserving water, and keeping the wood fire burning to warm the family room.  Since I've been home, I've been doing a lot of thinking.  Second guessing any fluff that I might have otherwise bought.  Not sure where all of this is going or what God has in mind, but my mind is listening.
The night we got home, BG was up 3 times.  I wasn't sure if she was sick or just punishing me for leaving her behind.  Turns out she was sick.  I think she's probably not been feeling well for a couple of weeks and what I thought was the beginning of the terrible 2's was really just not feeling great.  Today she is back to her old self.  Thank goodness.
We slide back into life in the bubble with lacrosse practice beginning, middle school play tryouts for Fiddler on the Roof, and grade cards.  Cleaning out more clothes from the kids rooms.  Packing a box to sen dto A, KK, and Z.  Trying to sort thru the garage.  So thankful for all that we have, but wondering if there is more. More in store for us.  I can't wait to see what God's plan is. 

Thanks Girls

Its a really good thing that this is a licensed foster care home and that we do not believe in corporal punishment.  I had to have several deep breaths and remind myself of this when I walked into the kitchen midmorning and saw N's handiwork.  Crayon scribblings going from a mirror to a wall, to a door, skipped the oven, got the fridge, Buddy's coffee cabinet, and more storage.  Didn't notice until later the additional markings on the high chair and the sliding door.  Almost the whole circumference of the kitchen/eating area.  I didn't say that I spoke in a calm, controlled voice, but I did reign it in some.  Got him a rag and he got to scrubbing.  Not sure what the actual weapon was other than it wiped off super duper easy.  That saved him, too.  Anyway, not a bright spot in his behavior, nor in my parenting, but, hey, it could have been worse.
Walked into the kitchen later and BG had gotten the box of Rice Chex cereal out.  Spilled almost the entire box and she & Pixie were having a feast. 
Best part of the day was going out for lunch with my girls.  Didn't know it was going to be my belated birthday lunch.  Much better than my actual birthday filled with sick kids, fevers and throwing up.  So, although I was ready to put the birthday behind me, I couldn't have had sweeter friends to share it with.  Thanks for my gifts, girls.  Love all of you!
Home visit from the new cps case manager tomorrow.  Luckily the house is in pretty good shape and laundry finally is complete.  The snowy stuff that hung in the dining room is down but still sit in my bedroom.  Everything takes so long to complete.
BG was Camille's girl tonight.  She wouldn't let her put her down.  No afternoon nap makes for a cranky baby so I was relieved to turn her over to Camille. Lucas fed her the night night bottle.  He's good at balancing BG and the iPad at the same time so he can read the graphic novels he gets on there. 
A short week for the school kids.  Lots to get done.  Thanking God for the rain today and that my girls and I got out in it to have lunch together.

Headband

We raised the Kansas State flag from the ancient box but it didn't do any good.  I even wore a vintage sweatshirt of Todd's, but the Arkansas fans that came to stay sure had a great victory.  My brother & nephew came for the Cottonbowl, and lucky for us they brought my sister-in-law and niece.  We can always guarantee to have a great time.  Our families blend well together and if I ever had to pick another family that I could live with, they would be the ones.  We got a lil shopping in, the dresser in BG & N's room painted, a little decorating, watching Lucas & Camille's bball games, and some great barbecuing by Todd.  A great weekend.  Best of all, they are the guests that strip the sheets, take down beds, and leave us in good repair.  Camille is still angry that they left.  She loves spending time with her cousin, Emma.
I began the laundry battle.  Use to be that I could do laundry once a week, with a load of all the colors and different fabrics.  I've now resorted to twice a week and I have to run at least 2 if not 3 loads of darks.  Who would think that a 1 year old and 5 year old would add that much more.  Of course, add basketball clothes, running clothes, and an occasional workout clothes, and its a ton.  Did I mention, I hate doing laundry.  To be precise, I don't like folding it.  Luckily the big kids put their clothes away, sometimes Buddy even does, too.
Other things that remind me of change with having 2 little ones around is that now that Madeline is old enough to stay with Camille & Lucas, here are Todd & I making a Sunday run to Home Goods with a 1 & 5 year old in tow.  Just a small complaint. Or rather an annoyance.  Not that I could leave Madeline with all 4 of them if it were legal, but I might choose to take a kid that doesn't have to be strapped in the shopping cart.  To be fair, BG  is an awesome shopper.  Its just those little things that sometimes are annoying.
Madeline is still doing homework at 10:45 at night.  Procrastinator.  I went upstairs and noticed she is wearing an elastic headband to keep her hair back, me, too, and I asked her who else was wearing one. "daddy", she says with a smile.  I asked her if any of her friends dad's wear headbands, she smiles and says that she hopes not.  Unfortunately Todd discovered the convenience of wearing a headband to keep your hair out of your face.  I guess that all these years whenever I have short hair & can't pull my hair back into a ponytail that I've worn headbands to be glamorous.  Let me know if anyone sees him wearing one in public.  Yes, his hair is long, but hey, he's a snowboarder.

Ballet Leap

I've decided that I should add one thing to my New Year's resolutions.  Not to ever wash socks.  They can wear them until the stink is so bad they can't stand it or that they are so stiff that can't get them on their feet.  Then the socks shall be thrown away and new ones gotten out.  It is a terrible problem that not once that I can ever remember when I am sorting socks after washing that they all have a match.  An endless problem.  Thankfully, I've got my solution.
A trip to the counselor's today for N.  He has been going to play therapy for about a month.  Today I was the one who got counseled and I even had to watch a video.  N is exhibiting what the counselor calls "normal" in the field of foster care.  He is having power struggles.  Good thing is that this is healthy and part of the healing process.  All during the video where the topic is about giving kids choices to create responsibility, I'm thinking its the hatched kids who have power struggles.  Maybe they are just wearing on N and its really not a healing thing but a survivor thing.  Lots of strong willed minds in this house.  I'm sure they will be extra productive citizens one day. 
Parent visit tomorrow.  I got asked to supervise one of the visits, so I'll get to hang with N and his mommy.  Not a bad thing.  Tomorrow's topic will be education.  I want to push towards some kind of coursework for her.  We'll see how that goes.
Camille went willingly to basketball practice tonight.  Came home with her Baskin Robbins.  No wonder she prefers Daddy to take her.  She did mention getting hit in the head and on the shoulder during practice.  I also think there was something said about telling the coach she was quitting after the game on Saturday.  I'm holding out that the snacks after the game will keep her going.  She did really good at her first and only game.  Great defender with her arms all in the air.  Didn't lay a hand on the ball but I'm sure she was relieved about that.  She did make a great ballet leap when going from one end of the court to the other.  Yep, still the dancer.
Madeline is locked away doing homework.  Lucas can't fall asleep.  Football dominates my t.v..  Hoping the dryer is done soon so I can call my day complete.

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012

Happy New Year! Or should I say, new years resolution.  I knew that I needed to start blogging again because one day I'm going to look back on this crazy, wonderful, tiring, period of blessings and try to remember some of the details.  So much happens every day that I sometimes feel overwhelmed.  Christmas break was a perfect example of that.  Left town on Wednesday and by the time we reached Grandma & Grandpa Stanfields, my voice was totally gone.  Blessing? Well maybe for those that I yell out but more a pain than anything.  A trip to urgent care and some antibiotics.  Next morning after a restless night of sleep cause I felt cruddy and so did BG, I took her to urgent care.  Hopefully the doctor knew I wasn't stalking him.  He did know Todd from high school.  BG had hand, foot, mouth, and an ear infection.  More antibiotics.  And did I mention that she didn't sleep but maybe on and off 5 minutes at a time on Friday night.  The entire household was feeling rather merry the next day.  Our first Christmas with Aunt Elia.  Poor girl.  I kept offering vitamin c supplements to everyone.  Left Missouri to go to Gram & Gramps.  Camille started running a fever on Christmas day. Pediatricians office called in a script for her sinus infection while making me promise I would bring her in.  The kid has a medical history log of sinus infections, a mile long.  Monday night, Madeline & Lucas complain of headaches.  Tuesday, my glorious birthday.  Thankfully it is N's birthday, too, so he gets a big "Cars" cake and I get a personal Cinderella cake.  Probably should have been the Cinderella before the ball cake.  Madeline & Lucas are both running fevers.  Lucas pukes in the hallway.  We eat pizza, have cake, and hit the road.  2 days earlier than expected but enough was enough.  Made it home without incident, thank you God!  Took Camille and Lucas to the doctor the next day and he felt it was probably the same virus strain as the hand, foot, and mouth that BG had.  We are all constantly kissing on her.  Her giving kisses is one of the most adorable things.
New Year's Eve came and all were actually healthy.  Loved having the kids with me in church on Saturday night.  Probably appreciate it more since they are all usually in their own progams.  BG & N still went to their kids programs.  BG stayed awake until 7:30, N made it to 9, C to 11, me to 11:30, and not sure what happened after that. 
Todd got back on the nice list after completing several projects around the house.  I swear I could have a handyman on staff for my household and we would keep him busy full time. Maybe that's what I'll ask for next Christmas. 
All in all a great end to our 2011.  2012 has begun.  BG has added the name "Buddy" to her vocabulary so we are off to a great start.  Can't wait to see what else the year brings.