He's gone and we are okay

He's gone and we are ok. Kind of like Camille starting kindergarten, hard to be sad when she was so happy to go. J was excited about going. Seeing the CPS case manager was exciting for him because she is so nice and has been a constant for him during this very rough last year. He just wanted to go with her. I know he will be happy at his new home. I also know that he had no clue what was going on when he left our house this morning with all his things. If I ponder on it too long I could get very sad at the thought that he might think he is leaving our house just like he left his mommy's. We sure loved having him here. A void in our home but an even bigger one in our hearts. I wish I could plant the knowledge in him forever that no matter where he goes I will always love him and be praying for him. Praise God for J!

We love him

Another chapter is about to be closed in the Stanfields foster care journey. Of course it can't end without a few twists and turns. I contacted CK case manager yesterday and she had yet to receive any notification from CPS regarding J leaving on Friday so her supervisor said there was no way transfer would happen on Friday. Ok, fine with us, but also a bit frustrating since I know the next family is anxious to have him and they need to be bonding with him. We already are bonded. This morning I talked to the next mommy and she says that she thinks the placement will take place. Im hoping that at least we can do a pre placement visit for the weekend and they can sort out the paperwork next week. This afternoon I finally get thru to CPS and then the case manager calls. Yes, placement will be tomorrow. She will be here at 9! And so there you have it.

We made a dash to the lake since the cousins are here. During dinner at Big Daddy's I announce that we are so excited that Miss Tamara wants J to come live with her and he gets to go tomorrow. We all give three big hip hip hoorays for him. And that's how the announcement goes. I'm sure he has no clue. He did enjoy our hip hip hurrays. We sure do love him. He is unable to be described in the sweet manner that he has touched everyone's life that he has encountered. I am so thankful for his next family. I know they will love him, maybe as much as we do.

I love summer

Yes, if you see my youngest child she does has raspberry hair. Hey, it's summer, it's not permanent, and most importantly it looks darn cute. And yes again, Gram, I'm one of "those" mothers. Of course it started cause Madeline wanted pink tips to her hair. We got a couple different products. Can't even buy permanent stuff at Sally's. Mads washed out in 1 time. Camilles lasted a little longer. She then decided she wanted her whole head done. Her hair is now shoulder length and just long enough to look stringy & slightly rabid. I told her that if we cut her hair that I thought we'd have enough color for her whole hair. Fine, she says. So I chopped it off to below her chin in front & way shorter in back. She looks amazing, even in pink. She hates it. She says she looks like someone with cancer whose hair is just growing in. Where she gets this, I don't know. To me she looks like an elegant ballerina. Mad says she looks like a runway model. She gives us both the go to h*** look. Gotta love her.

Lucas is going to basketball camp. Tonight he is talking about the drills so Todd goes to get the basketball. Turns out that I think Todd has sized up all the coaches & thinks he could win in the dribbling & passing exercises. My family room becomes a court and both my boys are practicing.

Madeline prefers to sleep all day but since she has a mean mom I get her up and have a list waiting for her. She is the slowest worker I have ever known. She is also being so sweet with J. She has grown up in the time we have had him and in the responsibility she shows with him. I can highly recommend her as a babysitter.

Peace

All snuggled into bed. Even Todd's reading light isn't keeping my eyes from falling shut. Then I hear it. The heart wrenching cry that happens every Tuesday after the visit as he falls into his deep sleeping pattern. I rush into his room and know that it's not the thunder that has caused the crying out. I don't know exactly what causes it other than the weekly visit. I shudder to think what in the world has this sweet boy been through that he has nightmares after seeing his birth mother. I pray over him and stroke his little arm. I listen to the thunder and see the flashes of lightning and now am comforted by God's amazing power. He has not nor will ever abandon this child.

J is asleep but I'm not. I am fluctuating between anger and peace. Anger that J has to go the visits when it is always upsetting to him afterwards. Peace in the fact that God reigns in my home. I don't know how we could do this without Him.

God is Amazing

I can't quite settle into sleep so I decide to begin the book that I picked up at the library. Going to the library is one of my kids favorite things in the world. It guarantees at least an hour of quiet immediately following. I grabbed "cure for the common life" by Max Lucado. I'm not even going to read any more to night. I wanted to see how recently he wrote it so I flip it open to find 2005 as the copyright. On the very next page reads "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out --plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for" Jeremiah 29:10-11. And just like that my heart is once again reassured with the almighty wink from God. He is amazing. Now I can sleep.

Camille's Ruling

All is quiet except for the thunder and lightning overhead. Much the same as the house. We are smooth sailing, our family with J. He has slipped into the easy pattern of our lives no matter where we are. The beach, Sea World, riding down the road. Dinner time, nap time, church and getting thrown by Buddy in the pool. He touches our hearts and every one he meets. The storm is on the horizon as he is suppose to leave on Friday. This is the difficult part. How to explain to a 3 year old what's going on. The other kids were much easier scenarios. Going back to family, going to a cousin, going to live with brothers. I can't even tell him that this will be his forever family. That's the intent but until mom's rights are terminated that's not for sure. Thankfully the family he is going to live with seems wonderful. They came over on Friday then took J out for dinner. Camille, who we refer to as Simon during American idol judging, said that she really likes the mom and that she is fun. With Camille's stamp of approval that means a lot. We took J for another visit to their home on Sunday. He was pouty & head down but immediately went into the mom's arms. My heart was heavy and the tears were falling when we were on the road again. He had a great day. It will be ok. God is good and will bless this sweet boys life.

We will have a huge void in our family. Camille will feel it the most. She has been amazing with him. She wonders when we will get the "next kids". I'll be a little slow again before moving on. Heart needs to heal before we love some more.

Summer

Lazy days of vacation. J is a trooper & does great with everything. Driving to dinner when I announce that we should get Mavs tattoos if they win tonight. About an hour later, Camille announces that she'll get hers on her ankle. She wants to know if it will hurt. Everyone agrees that it will be very painful. She then says she thought we were going to get the sticker kind. Great idea, we all agree. Go Mavs!

Port Aransas may not be the poshest spot I've ever been to but we sure enjoy coming here. The laid back attitude, locally owned restaurants, and of course the sand & boogie board riding waves. Actually saw 12 stingrays yesterday. Didn't know that they traveled in a herd. There were 5 traveling together. J loves the sand as much as the other kiddos. After a few days he is becoming more confident.

Beach is almost deserted. I could stay all summer!

I don't like May & now it drags into June

The end of the school year drags on and on. I can't imagine how bad it is for the poor teachers. I've decided I don't like May. Craziest month of the year with way too many extra activities to do. Tomorrow is taken up with room parties. Ugh. Please remind me not to be a room mom again. And I wasn't even a 100% room mom, Tracy saved me several times with parties and presents. Thank goodness for my support team.

Went to supervised visit. Much easier now that I know how to get in. J was a lot less nervous especially when he saw his case manager. He really likes her. Not quite as comfortable for him at the visit. Last week I would have said he was his aunt's boy. This week leaned more towards mommy. When I left the room to talk to the case manager I heard his sweet voice,"where's my Nina!". I popped my head back in and he came into the hallway to be with me. We both went back in together. The bond between us is getting stronger. Its a good thing then a not so good thing. I think he will be leaving in a few weeks. I feel a little bit like I did with Z. I don't want to be just another woman who has let him down. I keep remembering having to pull Z's arms from my neck when I took him to stay at his aunt's. I hope this transition is ok. We are going to work in some more play dates with possible forever home. J is so likeable, so loveable, he has touched the hearts of many. I know he will do fine. Thank you God for the sweet spirit you have blessed J with. It is such an incredible honor for my family to be a part of J's journey.

A Sandbox

Another day of crazy emotions. J did great at dentist. 2 root canals, 3 filings and sealants. I think he was most sad about not getting breakfast! Makes me so angry that his little teeth had to go so long without proper care.

I was folding pool towels today when a baby boy onesie fell to the floor. Not sure how it got there but it sure hit me hard and realize that it's been a week since baby left. I texted his to-be adoptive mom & he is doing great. 10.2 lbs. That's 3 pounds in 5 weeks. She even sent me a picture. Wow. How he has changed in such a short time. Hopefully down the road when he is good and bonded with them we can see him. At least I have a new pic!

Todd & Lucas went to watch the Mavs game on the big screen at AA center. Not as good as a live game but a heck of a lot cheaper.

Still so encouraging everytime I see Camille taking care of J. I am so thankful for my family and how supportive everyone is in our mission to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Warmed my heart to hear Todd talking about having a sandbox if we are going to have little ones around. Yes, we are. Can't wait for my sandbox.