Stay tuned

Friday was probably the longest day.  It seemed to drag on forever.  N was sensitive and back to old habits.  Its against the rules to run hot wheels on the walls & kitchen table and he resorted back to breaking the rules.  Camille was grumpy.  N was sensitive.  Both handling stress in the only way they know how.  BG was herself.  CPS had called on Thursday and said they were unable to transport kids to their mom's house.  I was happy about that because that made the transfer seem so much more business like than the twice weekly transfers we had been having between mommy & me.  Most of their stuff I'd already sent so there wasn't too much more to bring.  Madeline said her goodbyes then left for Fish Camp for church with Kara and Kristi.  Then the rest of us left to meet mommy at McDonalds.  BG was cranky when we got there and didn't want anyone hugging or kissing on her.  All she wanted to do was go play at her normal play spot, McDonald's.  I told mommy I wanted a picture of the three of them together before I said my goodbyes. I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to hold it together.  I did.  It was a whimpering sort of cry that shook by body with slight tears running down my cheeks.  N looked in a near state of panic.  I didn't expect that.  I kept reassuring him that we loved him and will always love him.  Mommy is ready to be the best mommy for him.  And then they were gone.  I pulled it together and did okay.  We grabbed dinner but I didn't have much of an appetite.  Dropped Lucas off for his overnight at church then my appetite came back enough for Camille & I to grab ice cream sandwiches at Nestle. 
I'm fine.  I think that the emotional buildup over the past few weeks had done me in.  Every time someone asked me what was happening with the kids, I would get teary.  BG did something cute, and I would get teary.  I didn't have any more tears left.  My job was complete.  I loved those precious children for almost a year.  Would I have kept them?  I think so.  Am I hopeful that mommy's is the best place for them?  Definitely. 
I have put away the high chair, picked up Lego's and hot wheels from all sorts of locations, washed sheets and scrubbed hand prints off the craziest locations.  That is why we are able to do foster care.  To know that God called us to care for, protect and love children when they are at their neediest.  To be able to give them back with minimal falling apart.  Could I open my doors today for another child?  You bet, but we are taking our names off the list for a bit and getting back into the groove of school and our family.  Will we do this again? I think that God has great plans for us.  Stay tuned.
Today I survived getting a freshman to high school, 6th grader to middle school, and a 8 year old to 3rd grade.  What a year of changes it is!

All in God's Timing

It's easy to think about all the good things when everyone in the house is sleeping and the only sound is the dishwasher running.  And the big kids will be here tomorrow to unload the dishwasher for me, so even better.  I want to go in and lay on N & BG's floor and just hear their breaths and be close to them all night long while they are so sweetly sleeping.  Their last night with us.  I told N that all 5 of us would read to him.  Camille went in first but he didn't want her in there.  Lucas read first.  Madeline read her all-time favorite "Peter Pan".  I read "Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You".  Buddy read "You are Special."  N ended up asking for Camille and she read "IF you give a mouse a cookie".  Trying to make the most of our final time together. 
Most of the time I'm really ok with this monitored return to mom.  Last Sunday was a great night when the Gilmartins, Georges, Goetz, and Lunborgs got to go to Fuzzy's and meet N's mom and grandma.  It was a great evening of fellowship and letting N's family see the community that has cared for their kids the past year.  I am so thankful to my community for all of their support.  I wanted N's mommy to see the support I had and to know that it was ok for her to ask for help in raising her kids.  I hope that she is able to find half as good of a support team as I have.
We have come such a long ways.  From a tiny baby who was crawling, to a laughing, running, telling me "no", almost 2 year old.  From a boy in a body cast prone to crying fits & temper tantrums, to a laughing, swimming, confident young boy.  And that is why we do what we do.  Not because our hearts will be broken and sad tomorrow night when our house is quiet.  I'm sure we will be feeling plenty of those feelings, but to see the changes in these kids over a years time is being able to witness God's glory in our day to day lives.  Just as Miss Becky reminded N of tonight, "Who loves you the most?" and N says, "God."  Thank God for this year.  For the smiles and the struggles.  For the growth we have experienced as a family and a small community.  And each of my hatched kids has said sometime in the last week, "when do we do this again?"  All in God's timing.

Quiet

I think that every second of my day must revolve around this 21 month old girl that stole my heart almost a year ago.  Tonight she is with her mommy and I am so lonely for her.  I don't think its because I'm lonely for her tonight, but I'm lonely for knowing what is ahead and can't imagine what it will be like with BG & N in our lives.  August 24th is the return to mom date.  Until then they have unsupervised visits and a couple of sleepovers at mom's house.  When I asked N about how he felt about it this morning, he said,"maybe happy".  I don't even know how I feel so I'm proud of him for being able to express his cautious happiness.  I'm wondering how they are sleeping in this new apartment, separate rooms, so far away from here.  I turn off the tv and I put the remote up so that BG can't grab it.  I see my bobby pins laying on the table and realize she won't be here in the morning to eat them.  A year is too long.  Too long to become a part of our home, our family, and my heart.  I wish I could know how BG is feeling, maybe happy? 
I buckled my babies into the smokey smelling car and I gave them all kisses.  I know they will have a great sleepover.  They come back to me tomorrow at 6.  I should be enjoying this break.  Its just hard to when I know what is ahead.  No big deal when they are at Hen's house.  She could have them every day and I wouldn't be sad.  I pray for their mommy and hope that she will be the best mommy for them. 
Of course its suppose to be quiet at midnight, but what about during the day.  How sad will the quiet be?  Thank God for his mighty plan.  I know He will protect and care for the littles.