Home to Buddy

As he cries out in his sleep, I am thinking that today's visit may have been harder on him than he showed. We showed up right on time to the CPS office but it took about 10 minutes to figure out how to get into the fort. By this time J was crawling up my leg and obviously worried about being there. I picked him up and held him. I had told him we were going to see the case manger who he dearly likes. I said that we might get to see mommy. I have learned to never plan on seeing biological family cause you never know what is up with them.

God is good. Prayers worked. The visit went fine. Mommy and the aunt & uncle were there. I actually liked them. Especially the aunt who so obviously loves J. She had to leave the room 2 times cause she was teary. I may not always be the best parent but I'm a darn good judge of them. What I witnessed from the aunt & uncle during our hour was good parenting. Mommy did ok, too. Not any red flags were waved. J enjoyed playing and giggling with them and he saw all of us interacting. I wanted him to know we are united. He was doing his wrinkling up his nose to giving goodbye hugs so I said I would give hugs. I gave a hug to mommy & uncle but he rushed in to give one to his aunt before I could. And that said so much to me about his love for her and hers for him. So hard to understand how their worlds have come to this and it wasn't the time for me to ask questions. We left using the same elevator and all had smiles. He asked where we were going and I said home to Buddy and all was fine.

Prayers for J & me too

Prayers for J as we go see his biological mother. I don't understand why she has the right to see him just know that I feel strongly that she shouldn't. Maybe she won't show. Prayers for me too as I will be staying for the visit.

A great weekend. Not a bad glimpse of what the summer will be like. A reminder that Madeline needs social entertainment to keep her in a cheery state of mind and also a great motivator to get chores done. She's actually turned into a pretty good clothes folder.

Church was lonely yesterday without a baby to hold. Sure do miss him. I think I slept better when he was here. I would get up to feed him then be so tired that I would fall right back to sleep. Now when I have insomnia I just lay there. At least I was being a productive non sleeper.

4 day school week ahead. Lots going on this week and next as school wraps up. I'm definitely ready for lazy days of summer.

I knew I would miss him

It's the little things that make me miss him most. Loading the dishwasher & remembering that I can put the silverware in all the slots. I no longer am losing bottle parts where I need to close the basket on the silverware. Finding a stray bib in the van. Walking thru the bedroom and not stepping by his bed. I must say that his tiny little self has tugged at me more than any other. Perhaps it's his size, and him being even more vulnerable. Most likely it's how dependent he was on me and how I loved being with him. It's also highly likely he reminded me so much of Lucas as a baby.

Now that baby is gone I have focused on helping J. Talked to his case manager to find out what's going on with J. Unfortunately this also gave her the opportunity to tell me that he will have a supervised visit on Tuesday. Not what I was planning. I wouldn't have called her if I had known that was going to happen. Thankfully she is agreeable to having me attend the visit so that J will know I'm there for him. Not sure what he will think about seeing her. The best part of the phone call was getting permission to contact j's potential adoptive family. I got their phone number and got to talk to the mom. We are going to get together for a playdate next week. Their family is foster to adopt. They have a 6 year old boy who sounds like excellent older brother material for J. The wonderful thing about Covenant Kids is meeting families who are serving Christ in their journeys of foster or adoption. I can't wait to meet this family and to witness the works of Christ in little J's life. He is such an angel.

Spent 2 hours trying to get the pool problems solved. I've got the sunburn to prove it. I can't even complain because Todd will remind me that I was the one who wanted the pool. Just like I was the one who wanted the dog. I'd gladly trade in the dog, but the pool we do enjoy. Wonderful watching Madeline working with J on his swimming. Loved seeing Camille rush inside when she knew J was upset that he was having trouble getting his swimsuit on. They are being so patient and loving. I love seeing these attributes so often. Two more days left of the weekend!

Baby goes Bye Bye

What's a girl suppose to do when she has no baby to rock, sing to, feed, change diaper. I took him to adoptive parents this morning. They were so thrilled to have him home at last. Their home is sparkling clean, not a piece of clutter in sight. Baby was fussing a lil and it was hard for me not to snatch him right up and make it all better. Adoptive mom, grandma, and I all had tears as I took him and snuggled him close for a goodbye. I told his 3 brothers that they were happy tears because I am so happy the baby has such a wonderful home. Best thing is that I believe it. I told them I wanted picture updates of all of them. The 8 year old said I would even get a Christmas card. As I drove home my phone beeped with my 1st pic of the baby & 2 of his big brothers. Made my heart sing. Its amazing how my heart keeps expanding with love for these angels that enter my life.

A bit tough at home. My bedroom seems so big without the pack-n-play. The family room, too, without the bassinet, car seat and bouncy. We were sure blessed with wonderful friends to let us borrow or give us the baby things. I sent the baby home with an entire summer wardrobe,boxes of diapers, and anything else in my house that was baby. The newborn clothes that he'd outgrown I did keep. You never know, I might need them again. Madeline was mad that I sent the Dreft. She wants me to wash her clothes in it so she can smell like baby.

I asked Todd if it would weird him out if I slept with one of the baby blankets. He just grinned. I think he's waiting for my meltdown. Not going to happen. I loved having baby here but I am sure of the plan God had for us in baby's life. The chocolate eclair on the way home also helped a touch. I'll b curious to see how my sleep goes tonight. It's been 4 weeks. I am exhausted. But it's a good thing. I love being a mom.

Precious Baby

I shouldn't write when I have just sent the precious baby for his supervised birth parent visit because it becomes more of a vent than an expression of God's glory. I do not believe that a birth mother whose baby is taken from her should have any visitation rights. Perhaps if she has completed some positive steps but not until then. I refused to out him in one of his new sunsuits. I left him in his sleeper that covers up his sweet toes and will keep smelly germs from getting on him. Oops, that's what I was talking about. Shouldn't be writing. It is what it is. He will probably leave tomorrow. If I hadn't of kept pushing for it with CK and cps I doubt it would be tomorrow. Things move so slow with placements. I know they aren't worried about him since they know we are taking such good care of him but I worry about the bonding. I'm the only mommy figure he's known. I told my CK case manager that he was going to be talking soon and would say he didn't want to leave Nina's house. She said she wouldn't want to leave my house either. Perfect answer. We've taken lots of pics,I've prayed over this baby like no infant I ever have had that's including my own. We have showered him with kisses, songs, walks, and chatter. I know we have done everything God has wanted us to do. I am thankful for his potential adoptive parents. I know they will send us pictures and updates. I will never forget these 4 weeks when we were blessed with such an angel baby.

Please Pray for Joplin

My heart is aching for the city of Joplin. I feel shame in the fact that I didn't respond to the devastation in Alabama like this. When it's so close to my home town, and a place where I grew up visiting it tugs at my heart. Friends and family of my sister-in-law have lost so much. Two of my MO BFF use to work at the hospital. My other MO BFF or should I say, ya-ya, has a younger brother whose a doc at the hospital. His family lost so much. So senseless. So hard to understand. So thankful that they are all okay because I know of families who aren't ok, one that lost husband and 2 children. Please pray for all of them.

Sweet baby is still with us. No word from CPS. Taking Lucas to the doc today and out of the blue he says, I like having a baby. So do we.

Camille continues to shine as the big Sis of J. Honestly I think she takes care of him more than me. After school it was teaching puzzles, watercolor painting, building a fort, running in sprinkler, getting him ice cream, into his jammies, and she helps him brush his teeth. All of this without one promting. She is amazing.

No idea what tomorrow will bring but know that Joplin will need our prayers and support for a long time.

A Quiet Moment

All is quiet on Sunday afternoon. Girls at movie. Madeline using her babysitting money to pay for her & Camille. J is napping. T& Lucas are out getting the Xbox 360 that he has been saving for. Baby is asleep in my arms. Nothing better than quiet time with a sweet baby in my arms. I will miss him.

Talked to A's mommy today & she sent me a pic of her. Sounds like they are doing good. Looks like she is growing up so fast. I was asked to mark my calendar in August for KK's birthday. Seems like so long ago when the 3 of them were here. Such a crazy time that was. Even with having a newborn and missing a lot of sleep, things seem much easier.

Baked some cut and bake cookies but I'm just too comfy to get up and get them. Catching up on my dvr shoes. Little baby breathing in my ear.

If anyone thinks my family is the funny farm you should see us when we take the show on the road. Grapevine Mills Mall. Mad yelling at me when I open the curtain to the dressing room. Camille practicing her runway cat walk. J saying he has to pee. Todd & Lucas seem to be still trapped down at the Nike store. J pushing the stroller, me pulling it with one hand while the other holds the bottle in baby's mouth. J crying cause I get on to him for picking gum off the floor from some stranger or maybe someone's shoe, and he's CHEWING it!! As if that wasn't enough, Camille then gets on to him for putting his fingers in his mouth. A task in which she is constantly told not to do. Easier for her not to be wiggling her loose teeth now since I think she has maybe 3 in the front that are visible. Toothless wonder. 5 pairs of shoes and who knows what else, but we survive the road show. What will we do when it is calm around here again.