Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!
It's December.  Twelve days until Christmas.  Our home is decorated, minus a Christmas tree, our cards are in the mail, and a few gifts have been bought.  Mason is still living with us.  It's a long, complicated, true to foster care story, but things happen and he will be with us until at least February.  He continues to be a blessing in our home as he is such a happy, kind child.  He struggles in school and I try to help him.  I am reminded of why I emphasized gifted education versus special education during college.  Special education is a challenge.  I have no doubt that he is in our home for a purpose and I am an education champion.  Hoping to get him on a much better road for success than he has ever been.  He gets along great with all the kids.  He & Lucas play legos, bionicles, and all of Lucas's favorites.  He plays with Camille and does whatever she wants.  Wise boy. 

We still grieve for BG & N, when we pull their stockings from our storage box, or when I am shopping I could find at least a million things for a 2 year old girl.  We have very minimal contact with them.  I'm still hopeful that that will change.  As far as I know, they are doing good.  Our house is still so quiet and not a day goes by when someone isn't sharing a BG story.  I am thankful for the year we had with them.  They touched and changed our lives forever.

We are spending Christmas a little different this year with just our family heading for a ski trip.  Thankfully, the grandparents haven't written us off their lists.  I'm looking forward to a quiet Christmas, void of basketball, dance, piano, concerts, school, homework, and the millions of car trips I make a day.  We will get a "real" Christmas tree and decorate it the old fashion way.  A Christmas of new memories. 

Now back to my lists and then on to Camille's classroom where I get to help make gingerbread houses.  We are so fortunate.  Merry Christmas!

God protects his heart

When I feel anger or resentment stirring in me, I remember how God has protected this sweet boy's heart.  When I hear about no food in the fridge because he said they are broke, or how there were no lights in his house.  What about when Camille, he & I are in the kitchen and we hear a noise upstairs.  I'm saying that it is a picture that has fallen from the wall.  He says that it is a big rat whose tail has hit the wall.  I say that we do not have rats in Nina's house.  He continues to argue with me that is what the sound was.  Camille goes upstairs to inform that the pencil box fell from the shelf.  I can't imagine the world that he has come from.  He is so good.  So eager to please.  So eager for love.  So excited when Buddy comes into the room.  Follows Camille & takes her orders for the most part.  Easily falls into the routine of our clean, safe home.  What a blessing.  He eats like a professional football player.  Has the table manners of a zoo animal.  Other manners are oh so good.  Learning to shower, pick up his room, make his bed, but most of all would prefer to bounce the basketball or jump in the pool.  He blends in and adds such joy. We are so blessed by his presence in our home. His perspective from being older than any foster child we have had in our home, adds to the heartbreak.  The meager possessions he got from his mommy break my heart all over again.  Clothes that are sizes too small, torn or tattered.  It makes me want to open our doors to so many more.  This is our home and I wish we could do much more.

On the Eve of Halloween

The call came at 9 at night, and so it is that at midnight on Halloween Eve with a full moon shining, M came to join us. The call came and described how they needed a place for a 7 year old boy to stay until the home where his 13 year old sister was going had an opening for him to stay there, too.  Heartbreaking to think of them being separated but we were already stretching our rules with a 7 year old boy, turning 8 very soon, since we state we want kids younger than Camille.  Since I knew it was for a short time, how short I do not know, I knew it would be fine.  It was an emotional start for me with processing how I couldn't just say, let them both stay.  Imagine, looking into the eyes of a 13 year old girl and telling her how you will keep her brother safe until he can come be with her.  It challenged my beliefs but when all was said and done I knew we had made the right decision.  The family they will be going to is looking to adopt a sibling group.  It is unfortunate that M couldn't go there from the get go, but it is fortunate for this time we are having to love on him.  He is good and kind.  Funny and athletic.  School will be a struggle but he can't wait to go.  He is mannerly and corrected Camille a few times yesterday.  We went shopping and got some clothes and the scary mask he needed to complete his grim reaper costume.  He is adjusting so well and fits in fine.  Big kids haven't had much time with him since we have been busy with Halloween festivities.  His favorite thing to do is bounce the basketball.  Every time Todd walks into the house, he encourages him to keep counting and see how many time he can dribble the ball.  Then Todd leaves the house and I get the pleasure of listening to the ball bounce.  M says that he is bored.  I say that he needs to be in school.  He agrees.  Hopefully all the paperwork will be squared away and he can start on Monday.
It has been a unique situation to have an older child in the home.  He has been awestruck as he looked around the house and amazed at the amount of food in our refrigerator.  He told me that he didn't have milk in his because they are broke. We are humbled by his response and reminded of how much we have to be grateful for and so fortunate to share it with him.  Welcome to the stan clan M!!

Hello

Even now, when I walk into their room, I get an incredible feeling of loneliness and sadness.  I guess it can be almost be like death.  My babies are gone.  This is the reason why most people can't do foster care.  Can't get past the incredible loneliness that dwells deep in your heart.  It's been somewhat of a rough 7 weeks.  The communication between BG & N's mom with me, hasn't been exactly like I thought it would be.  Another testament to the unknowns of foster care and the emotional roller coaster that it is.  I have gotten more projects completed in the house than imagined.  Todd & I got to go to NYC.  And now I am home and the quietness is too much.  I'm feeling like a slug.  I need more.  We had our family meeting on Monday to decide if we were ready as a family to go back on the foster care list.  Camille was the driving force behind it.  She is begging for some more children.  Everyone gave a thumbs up and Buddy gave a thumbs in the middle.  He'll go with the flow.  I think his is a combination of enjoying the quiet calmness around our house, but also I think he believes that no other children will capture our hearts like BG & N.  He may be right about the heart capturing.  I'm sure he's right about the quiet, too.  But, I can only handle so much quiet.  An hour after we had our vote, I received a text pic & message of Baby(our newborn we had for a month).  He had just had his 18 month doctor's visit and is doing perfectly.  I have never prayed over a child with the intensity that I prayed for him.  I am thankful for God in sending me the reassurance that this is what He has called us to do.  It is no coincidence of the timing of the picture.  Now, we wait for our call.  Our call about new foster kid or kids, that is.  We've already answered the call from God to foster.  "Hello, we are ready."

Stay tuned

Friday was probably the longest day.  It seemed to drag on forever.  N was sensitive and back to old habits.  Its against the rules to run hot wheels on the walls & kitchen table and he resorted back to breaking the rules.  Camille was grumpy.  N was sensitive.  Both handling stress in the only way they know how.  BG was herself.  CPS had called on Thursday and said they were unable to transport kids to their mom's house.  I was happy about that because that made the transfer seem so much more business like than the twice weekly transfers we had been having between mommy & me.  Most of their stuff I'd already sent so there wasn't too much more to bring.  Madeline said her goodbyes then left for Fish Camp for church with Kara and Kristi.  Then the rest of us left to meet mommy at McDonalds.  BG was cranky when we got there and didn't want anyone hugging or kissing on her.  All she wanted to do was go play at her normal play spot, McDonald's.  I told mommy I wanted a picture of the three of them together before I said my goodbyes. I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to hold it together.  I did.  It was a whimpering sort of cry that shook by body with slight tears running down my cheeks.  N looked in a near state of panic.  I didn't expect that.  I kept reassuring him that we loved him and will always love him.  Mommy is ready to be the best mommy for him.  And then they were gone.  I pulled it together and did okay.  We grabbed dinner but I didn't have much of an appetite.  Dropped Lucas off for his overnight at church then my appetite came back enough for Camille & I to grab ice cream sandwiches at Nestle. 
I'm fine.  I think that the emotional buildup over the past few weeks had done me in.  Every time someone asked me what was happening with the kids, I would get teary.  BG did something cute, and I would get teary.  I didn't have any more tears left.  My job was complete.  I loved those precious children for almost a year.  Would I have kept them?  I think so.  Am I hopeful that mommy's is the best place for them?  Definitely. 
I have put away the high chair, picked up Lego's and hot wheels from all sorts of locations, washed sheets and scrubbed hand prints off the craziest locations.  That is why we are able to do foster care.  To know that God called us to care for, protect and love children when they are at their neediest.  To be able to give them back with minimal falling apart.  Could I open my doors today for another child?  You bet, but we are taking our names off the list for a bit and getting back into the groove of school and our family.  Will we do this again? I think that God has great plans for us.  Stay tuned.
Today I survived getting a freshman to high school, 6th grader to middle school, and a 8 year old to 3rd grade.  What a year of changes it is!

All in God's Timing

It's easy to think about all the good things when everyone in the house is sleeping and the only sound is the dishwasher running.  And the big kids will be here tomorrow to unload the dishwasher for me, so even better.  I want to go in and lay on N & BG's floor and just hear their breaths and be close to them all night long while they are so sweetly sleeping.  Their last night with us.  I told N that all 5 of us would read to him.  Camille went in first but he didn't want her in there.  Lucas read first.  Madeline read her all-time favorite "Peter Pan".  I read "Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You".  Buddy read "You are Special."  N ended up asking for Camille and she read "IF you give a mouse a cookie".  Trying to make the most of our final time together. 
Most of the time I'm really ok with this monitored return to mom.  Last Sunday was a great night when the Gilmartins, Georges, Goetz, and Lunborgs got to go to Fuzzy's and meet N's mom and grandma.  It was a great evening of fellowship and letting N's family see the community that has cared for their kids the past year.  I am so thankful to my community for all of their support.  I wanted N's mommy to see the support I had and to know that it was ok for her to ask for help in raising her kids.  I hope that she is able to find half as good of a support team as I have.
We have come such a long ways.  From a tiny baby who was crawling, to a laughing, running, telling me "no", almost 2 year old.  From a boy in a body cast prone to crying fits & temper tantrums, to a laughing, swimming, confident young boy.  And that is why we do what we do.  Not because our hearts will be broken and sad tomorrow night when our house is quiet.  I'm sure we will be feeling plenty of those feelings, but to see the changes in these kids over a years time is being able to witness God's glory in our day to day lives.  Just as Miss Becky reminded N of tonight, "Who loves you the most?" and N says, "God."  Thank God for this year.  For the smiles and the struggles.  For the growth we have experienced as a family and a small community.  And each of my hatched kids has said sometime in the last week, "when do we do this again?"  All in God's timing.

Quiet

I think that every second of my day must revolve around this 21 month old girl that stole my heart almost a year ago.  Tonight she is with her mommy and I am so lonely for her.  I don't think its because I'm lonely for her tonight, but I'm lonely for knowing what is ahead and can't imagine what it will be like with BG & N in our lives.  August 24th is the return to mom date.  Until then they have unsupervised visits and a couple of sleepovers at mom's house.  When I asked N about how he felt about it this morning, he said,"maybe happy".  I don't even know how I feel so I'm proud of him for being able to express his cautious happiness.  I'm wondering how they are sleeping in this new apartment, separate rooms, so far away from here.  I turn off the tv and I put the remote up so that BG can't grab it.  I see my bobby pins laying on the table and realize she won't be here in the morning to eat them.  A year is too long.  Too long to become a part of our home, our family, and my heart.  I wish I could know how BG is feeling, maybe happy? 
I buckled my babies into the smokey smelling car and I gave them all kisses.  I know they will have a great sleepover.  They come back to me tomorrow at 6.  I should be enjoying this break.  Its just hard to when I know what is ahead.  No big deal when they are at Hen's house.  She could have them every day and I wouldn't be sad.  I pray for their mommy and hope that she will be the best mommy for them. 
Of course its suppose to be quiet at midnight, but what about during the day.  How sad will the quiet be?  Thank God for his mighty plan.  I know He will protect and care for the littles.